Sexual trauma
I carry a huge load of sexual trauma and now it is clear, it is easily recognizable, I have the proper distance from it but I also have enough memory to hold it, meaning it is not buried in the long distant past.
A child of my generation, a free spirit, a rebellious soul, a wild human with a deep wish for exploration, an inquiring mind and also a very depressed child, teenager and young woman, dark, sad, having grown in a home that didn't feel safe, from early on, sleeping with guys was the place for me in finding support, in receiving warmth, love and an embrace, even if it only lasted for a while.
Of course and undeniably, Love is the Right Place to be, isn't it ... ?
But looking back through the years of exploring life, despite that I never had experienced direct rape, I was giving myself consensual, but as I wasn't aware yet of things, I was betraying myself many times, thinking that sex isn't as important, that it is nothing, that it can happen anytime, with anyone, without really recognizing that I had totally withdrawn my feminine guardians of sexual consent, and I was acting from a constant trauma response, in between drug abuse, half aware, half asleep.
Watching my beloved die at the age of 27, made it even worse, I was punishing myself by giving my body to the worst kind of guys, manifesting my self hatred in this way.
But none ever told me that sleeping around is a trauma response, or that there is anything wrong with it. On the contrary, due to my feministic ideas brainwashing, I was thinking the more I sleep around, the more strong and free I was.
Vipassana, and meditation changed my life. Kung fu changed my life, qigong helped me to slow down enough so to manage to go to the still meditation. And my shifu in China helped, by having me under constant surveillance for a whole year, making sure I won't allow any guy in my room, and knocking to verify at random. I was gifted a gift.
Many gifts. I am deeply grateful for my life.
But now, when it comes to sexual intimacy, I don't even know how that thing can be possible. Like, it seems easy, right? But it has grown difficult. It's been some years now I have managed to remove myself from that, and I recognise the degrees of permissions I have to give, the soul levels of intimacy. It is a transcendental experience for me nowadays, not a mere physical one, but one that encompasses many layers of our existence.
Some days I still look back and feel sorry for myself, for not caring about me, for treating me like that, for throwing me around, for giving me in the worst places. Some days, I look back and I only smile, because all of those corners, even the darker ones, had still presence, love and emotions, a colorful palette of life.
And yet still, when someone approaches me and tries to touch me, even if to just touch my hand a little bit, my trauma responses, memories of the body, they come back. I breathe in relaxation like I know very well how to do that, I speak to my mind saying I am here, but I still am getting enveloped into that frozen self, of fearing that I will have no control regarding the consent of my experience, as I have betrayed me for so long and so much.
The way back to safety of owning my own authority, and yet without compromising my openness and my inner child and free spirit, is an interesting ride.
That.
💜
A child of my generation, a free spirit, a rebellious soul, a wild human with a deep wish for exploration, an inquiring mind and also a very depressed child, teenager and young woman, dark, sad, having grown in a home that didn't feel safe, from early on, sleeping with guys was the place for me in finding support, in receiving warmth, love and an embrace, even if it only lasted for a while.
Of course and undeniably, Love is the Right Place to be, isn't it ... ?
But looking back through the years of exploring life, despite that I never had experienced direct rape, I was giving myself consensual, but as I wasn't aware yet of things, I was betraying myself many times, thinking that sex isn't as important, that it is nothing, that it can happen anytime, with anyone, without really recognizing that I had totally withdrawn my feminine guardians of sexual consent, and I was acting from a constant trauma response, in between drug abuse, half aware, half asleep.
Watching my beloved die at the age of 27, made it even worse, I was punishing myself by giving my body to the worst kind of guys, manifesting my self hatred in this way.
But none ever told me that sleeping around is a trauma response, or that there is anything wrong with it. On the contrary, due to my feministic ideas brainwashing, I was thinking the more I sleep around, the more strong and free I was.
Vipassana, and meditation changed my life. Kung fu changed my life, qigong helped me to slow down enough so to manage to go to the still meditation. And my shifu in China helped, by having me under constant surveillance for a whole year, making sure I won't allow any guy in my room, and knocking to verify at random. I was gifted a gift.
Many gifts. I am deeply grateful for my life.
But now, when it comes to sexual intimacy, I don't even know how that thing can be possible. Like, it seems easy, right? But it has grown difficult. It's been some years now I have managed to remove myself from that, and I recognise the degrees of permissions I have to give, the soul levels of intimacy. It is a transcendental experience for me nowadays, not a mere physical one, but one that encompasses many layers of our existence.
Some days I still look back and feel sorry for myself, for not caring about me, for treating me like that, for throwing me around, for giving me in the worst places. Some days, I look back and I only smile, because all of those corners, even the darker ones, had still presence, love and emotions, a colorful palette of life.
And yet still, when someone approaches me and tries to touch me, even if to just touch my hand a little bit, my trauma responses, memories of the body, they come back. I breathe in relaxation like I know very well how to do that, I speak to my mind saying I am here, but I still am getting enveloped into that frozen self, of fearing that I will have no control regarding the consent of my experience, as I have betrayed me for so long and so much.
The way back to safety of owning my own authority, and yet without compromising my openness and my inner child and free spirit, is an interesting ride.
That.
💜
