I’ve always had confusing feelings for someone I can never be with [I Need Somewhere To Vent, Without Fear Of Judgement]
How do I get this out? There was a boy I met as a child. We’d always mess with each other playfully and irritatingly. We could’ve easily had crushes on each other if we’d stopped to think that way. But one day something happened and we realized we could never feel that way about each other. So I spent my whole childhood fighting against developing a crush on this guy. I felt like he was doing the same.
As teens he would watch me closely and when other guys showed interest he was fiercely protective. He said it was brotherly. But I always felt a different vibe from him. There was a certain connection between him and I that only we could feel, even if there were no words to really describe it. I kept telling myself it was nothing, because it had to be nothing. But when ever we where close to each other and especially when we were alone that connection would intensify.
As we got older and went off to college and to start our lives we were separated and lost touch. It was a lot easier not to feel the things I didn’t want to feel. I fell in love with someone else and the guy from my childhood became nothing more than what he was supposed to be, though I was still careful to show no more interest in him than what would be considered normal.
Life continued, heartbreak, healing, graduation, career pursuit. I started to wonder about him, what path was he on? I couldn’t find him on any social media platforms and didn’t have his number. I started to regret not making a bigger effort to keep in touch after high school but I always assumed he would be around.
Now I’m a few years out of college and the feelings have started to flare up again, stronger than ever. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t seen him or spoke to him but I dream about him and long for him. I can no longer lie to myself about it. Knowing what it feels like to be in love, I realize now that this could be something similar.
I would feel completely ridiculous (and I kind of do as I admit all this) but something my mom said recently leads me to believe that he’s still struggling with his feelings somewhere a far too, though I have no way of knowing to what extent. She actually has seen him and she said that the way he was talking about me had her wondering if he liked me. 🙈 crazy right? As she asked this, she was carefully measuring my reaction, which I kept carefully neutral. But I also measured her for any sign that the thought of him having feelings for me was scandalous. But she seemed neutral too.
I do realize, now that I’m older, that what seemed like an insurmountable hurdle to us as children was actually not that big a deal in reality. We aren’t related in any way, but he’s my God brother. With a different mindset, we could’ve given into our feelings long ago and it probably wouldn’t have been that crazy. The problem is, we did think it was a big deal and continued to deny ourselves and tell others that we thought of each other as siblings 🙈 super embarrassed at the thought of feeling something completely different. At some point it seemed impossible to turn back from that way of thinking and the image we’d created for others to see, hiding our connection.
I also realize that I can easily get in touch with him if I swallow my pride. Our mothers are best friends. But I don’t want to get in touch with him through them. They are notorious gossipers and it would make it more embarrassing 🤦🏾♀️. Besides... I do have social media. So if he really wanted to find me, it wouldn’t be hard. And I’m curious to know if he does. I’m pretty sure he actually has lurked, or he couldn’t have said the kinds of things he did to my mom about me. If he feels the way I do, he will reach out to me, and I’ll have confirmation that I’m not insane with out having to put myself out there.
But at this rate... the next time we see each other will probably be at one of our weddings. To other people. The greatest love that never was and never will be. ☺️ Thanks for listening. If you read this far.
As teens he would watch me closely and when other guys showed interest he was fiercely protective. He said it was brotherly. But I always felt a different vibe from him. There was a certain connection between him and I that only we could feel, even if there were no words to really describe it. I kept telling myself it was nothing, because it had to be nothing. But when ever we where close to each other and especially when we were alone that connection would intensify.
As we got older and went off to college and to start our lives we were separated and lost touch. It was a lot easier not to feel the things I didn’t want to feel. I fell in love with someone else and the guy from my childhood became nothing more than what he was supposed to be, though I was still careful to show no more interest in him than what would be considered normal.
Life continued, heartbreak, healing, graduation, career pursuit. I started to wonder about him, what path was he on? I couldn’t find him on any social media platforms and didn’t have his number. I started to regret not making a bigger effort to keep in touch after high school but I always assumed he would be around.
Now I’m a few years out of college and the feelings have started to flare up again, stronger than ever. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t seen him or spoke to him but I dream about him and long for him. I can no longer lie to myself about it. Knowing what it feels like to be in love, I realize now that this could be something similar.
I would feel completely ridiculous (and I kind of do as I admit all this) but something my mom said recently leads me to believe that he’s still struggling with his feelings somewhere a far too, though I have no way of knowing to what extent. She actually has seen him and she said that the way he was talking about me had her wondering if he liked me. 🙈 crazy right? As she asked this, she was carefully measuring my reaction, which I kept carefully neutral. But I also measured her for any sign that the thought of him having feelings for me was scandalous. But she seemed neutral too.
I do realize, now that I’m older, that what seemed like an insurmountable hurdle to us as children was actually not that big a deal in reality. We aren’t related in any way, but he’s my God brother. With a different mindset, we could’ve given into our feelings long ago and it probably wouldn’t have been that crazy. The problem is, we did think it was a big deal and continued to deny ourselves and tell others that we thought of each other as siblings 🙈 super embarrassed at the thought of feeling something completely different. At some point it seemed impossible to turn back from that way of thinking and the image we’d created for others to see, hiding our connection.
I also realize that I can easily get in touch with him if I swallow my pride. Our mothers are best friends. But I don’t want to get in touch with him through them. They are notorious gossipers and it would make it more embarrassing 🤦🏾♀️. Besides... I do have social media. So if he really wanted to find me, it wouldn’t be hard. And I’m curious to know if he does. I’m pretty sure he actually has lurked, or he couldn’t have said the kinds of things he did to my mom about me. If he feels the way I do, he will reach out to me, and I’ll have confirmation that I’m not insane with out having to put myself out there.
But at this rate... the next time we see each other will probably be at one of our weddings. To other people. The greatest love that never was and never will be. ☺️ Thanks for listening. If you read this far.
26-30, F
