Should guys pay on the first date? Or girls? Or split bill

I make it a point to ALWAYS lay out top dollar and I ALWAYS pay for everything with $100 bills, to make it clear that I expect full physical recompensation at the end of the evening. Then once my incredibly urgent testicular needs have been fully sated I often tip the lady of the evening at least $100 to sufficiently cover the expense of having my plentiful seed cleaned from her garments.

Would you like a date? I'm free this Friday and am feeling awfully backed-up in my danglies.