WRU Unveils Radical Plans to Replace Four Rugby Regions with ‘The Gogz’ and ‘The Hwntwz’
By ANN HYGOEL
Floating stadium on Llyn Tegid and Garw Valley rugby ground at centre of controversial shake-up
Welsh rugby could be heading for its biggest transformation since someone first suggested that four professional rugby teams might be three too many.
Under radical proposals leaked exclusively to Welsh Bollocks, the Welsh Rugby Union is considering scrapping the country’s four professional regions and replacing them with just two enormous geographical entities — The Gogz and The Hwntwz.
The Gogz would represent North Wales, while The Hwntwz would represent South Wales, bringing an end to decades of regional rivalry, financial uncertainty and people from Llanelli refusing to support anything with the word Swansea in it.
However, the ambitious plans have already encountered a major obstacle.
Nobody can agree where North Wales starts.
Where the Bloody Hell Is the North? According to documents seen by Welsh Bollocks, WRU officials have spent six months attempting to establish a definitive boundary between North and South Wales.
Early proposals suggested that anywhere north of Merthyr Tydfil should be classified as North Wales, a position strongly supported by several people from Cardiff who have never travelled beyond Pontypridd.
Others argue that South Wales extends as far as Aberystwyth, although residents of Aberystwyth have responded by pointing out that they are neither northern nor southern and would prefer everyone to leave them alone.
One particularly controversial suggestion would place Brecon in the north, Abergavenny in the south and Newtown in the Midlands, despite nobody being entirely sure what the Midlands are doing in Wales.
A WRU geographical consultant, Mr Gwynfor Evans, 58, of Pencoed, who wished to remain anonymous, said the issue was proving considerably more complicated than anticipated.
“We initially thought we’d just draw a line across the middle of Wales, but then someone pointed out that people from Caernarfon consider anyone south of Dolgellau to be a Hwntw.”
“Meanwhile, people in Newport think the north starts at the M4 junction for Bridgend.”
“We’ve now commissioned a £400,000 feasibility study to determine whether Machynlleth is actually a place or just somewhere people stop for petrol.”
The Gogz: A Floating Fortress on Llyn Tegid Perhaps the most ambitious element of the proposals involves the construction of a spectacular 40,000-seat floating rugby stadium on Llyn Tegid, near Bala.
The stadium, provisionally named The Gogz Aquatic Arena, would be constructed on a series of enormous pontoons and would feature retractable seating, underwater changing rooms and a roof designed to withstand the occasional sideways rain experienced in Gwynedd.
WRU officials believe the floating stadium would become one of the world’s most recognisable sporting venues, particularly during periods of exceptionally high rainfall when it might drift towards Corwen.
The project would also address the shortage of professional rugby infrastructure in North Wales, although concerns have been raised about parking, access roads and the possibility of the entire stadium floating away during a scrum.
Local resident Dafydd Pritchard, 64, of Bala, who wished to remain anonymous, welcomed the investment but expressed reservations.
“I’m all for bringing professional rugby to Bala, but where are 40,000 people supposed to park? We struggle when there’s a funeral and someone’s parked outside the Spar.”
“Also, who’s going to get the ball when it goes into the lake? Because I’m not bloody doing it.”
The WRU has reportedly investigated employing a specialist team of ball-retrieval divers, although the proposal was abandoned after officials discovered the cost would exceed the annual salary of the entire Dragons squad.
The Hwntwz: Welcome to Pontycymer In an equally surprising move, The Hwntwz would abandon the traditional rugby strongholds of Cardiff, Swansea, Newport and Llanelli in favour of Pontycymer RFC’s existing ground in the Garw Valley.
The decision is understood to have been influenced by the ground’s central position within South Wales, its passionate local rugby following and the availability of a reasonably priced pie and pint.
Under the plans, the ground would be renamed The Hwntwz International Rugby Performance Centre, although locals have insisted they will continue calling it “the rugby field”.
The existing facilities would receive a substantial upgrade, including a new scoreboard, two additional portable toilets and a coat of paint on the changing-room doors.
A proposal to install corporate hospitality boxes has reportedly been rejected after officials discovered that the clubhouse already has a back room with four plastic chairs and a kettle.
Local rugby supporter Gareth ‘Bumpy’ Williams, 52, of Blaengarw, who wished to remain anonymous, said the valley was ready to welcome professional rugby.
“We’ve been producing world-class rugby talent in the Garw for generations. Well, we’ve produced a few boys who could tackle, anyway.”
“The only concern is the traffic. If 15,000 people turn up on a Saturday, they’ll have to park in Llangeinor and walk.”
“Still, it’ll be nice to see professional rugby played somewhere with a proper atmosphere instead of a half-empty stadium next to a retail park.”
Regional Rivalries to Be Replaced by One Enormous Argument The proposals would effectively merge Cardiff, the Scarlets, Ospreys and Dragons into two new organisations, although the WRU has yet to explain how players would be allocated.
One suggestion involves a draft system similar to American professional sport, while another would allow players to choose their preferred region based on whether they say “lush” or “tidy”.
Supporters have reacted with predictable enthusiasm.
A Scarlets fan reportedly declared that he would rather watch competitive gardening than support a team containing former Ospreys players.
Meanwhile, Cardiff supporters have questioned why they should travel to Pontycymer when they already have a perfectly good stadium in the centre of Cardiff, which they occasionally fill.
A Dragons supporter welcomed the proposals, saying: “At least we’ll finally have a chance of winning something, assuming they don’t put us all in the same team again.”
Welsh Rugby’s Bright New Future The WRU insists the radical restructuring could save millions of pounds annually while creating two powerful professional teams capable of competing with Europe’s elite.
However, critics have questioned whether reducing the number of teams, relocating professional rugby to a lake and a small valley village, and alienating almost every existing supporter represents a sustainable long-term strategy.
A senior WRU official, Mr Alun Jenkins, 61, of Cowbridge, who wished to remain anonymous, defended the plans.
“People have been saying for years that Welsh rugby needs radical change. Well, you can’t get much more radical than playing professional rugby on a lake.”
“We believe this model offers financial sustainability, regional identity and the opportunity to sell an entirely new range of replica shirts at £94.99 each.”
He added that the governing body was also considering introducing a third team, provisionally named The Midz, if anyone could establish where Mid Wales actually begins.
The WRU is expected to launch a public consultation once officials have completed their geographical research and established whether Llyn Tegid requires planning permission for a stadium or a harbour.
In the meantime, supporters across Wales have united around one common position.
Whatever happens, it’s going to be a complete bloody shambles.
Welsh Bollocks understands that the proposals remain at an early stage, although the WRU has reportedly already spent £2.7 million on consultants, branding workshops and a laminated map of Wales.
ANN HYGOEL Ann has been an unreliable source since her days in school at Eton.
