RAF Jets Scrambled as Drunk Santa Flies Erratically Over Scotland Ho ho… oh no.
Festive chaos swept the Highlands tonight as Santa Claus has reportedly been grounded mid round following what authorities are describing as “an excessive dram related incident” somewhere shortly after his first thousand Scottish houses.
Eyewitnesses across the north of the country reported Santa’s sleigh flying in what aviation experts later confirmed was a “zig zag pattern” swerving between glens, doubling back on itself, and briefly hovering motionless while someone in red was heard shouting “MON THEN!” into the night.
The situation escalated dramatically when stunned hillwalkers spotted Santa leaning over the edge of the sleigh and drunkenly relieving himself mid flight, leaving what has now been officially recorded as “a suspicious yellow streak” across the snow covered summit of Ben Nevis.
Multiple emergency calls prompted a joint response from Police Scotland and the Royal Air Force, who scrambled two RAF fighter jets after radar picked up “a sleigh performing unnecessarily erratic manoeuvres.”
Santa was eventually flagged down and forced to land on the A82, where baffled traffic officers conducted a roadside breathalyser while several reindeer stood silently, staring straight ahead and refusing to comment.
Test results confirmed Santa was over 100 times the legal flying limit for magical beings, leading officers to immediately ground him and issue a full Festive Flight Prohibition Notice.
Police Scotland confirmed that due to the severity of the reading, Santa was ordered to cease all remaining drop offs, leaving thousands of children across Scotland due to wake up tomorrow morning to confusion, disappointment, and the crushing realisation that Santa had “started Hogmanay far too early.”
Officials later suggested the incident may have been entirely predictable, citing Scotland’s long standing tradition of leaving a dram of whisky out for Santa alongside mince pies.
Investigators believe Santa may have gone overboard early into his journey, downing every dram in full rather than taking his usual polite sip, effectively turning what should have been a gentle festive nightcap into “a full airborne whisky tour by house number one thousand.”
Police Scotland issued a reminder that while Scottish hospitality is appreciated, “Santa is still required to pace himself,” and advised future households to consider leaving water, milk, or perhaps a sealed bottle he can take with him and enjoy after his one shift of the year has officially ended.
Santa has been taken to a nearby hospital to have his stomach pumped, marking the first time in recorded festive history he has officially been Ho Ho Hospitalised at Christmas.
No wonder I never saw him pass overhead, his usual route over the southern part of the country, on his way, most probably to the southern hemisphere.
Could this mishap have led him to call in for rescue and have haggis harnessed on the sleigh to give Rudi and co. the break they needed? Apparently, there has been a showdown in more remote and less civilized places on this planet, according to another unconfirmed report.
@Stephie Santa doesn't have a choice....Aotearoa gets Christmas Eve/ Night/Day before anyone else. Secretly I think he actually starts at the South Pole.
