Sir Haggis Wallace, The Great Chieftain o’ the Haggis Race and his Cheeky followers
Sir Haggis Wallace was the bravest wee knight ever to roll across the Highlands, a warrior of pure fury, who rose to lead the clans in the First War of Haggi Independence. Alongside his loyal comrade Haggis Moray, Wallace rallied the burrows and defeated a mighty army of poachers at the Battle of Rabbie Burns on July 21st, 1801, a date forever remembered as the night before the very first Burns Supper.
In the days following their triumph, Wallace and his clans became legends not only for their bravery, but for their bold displays of defiance. When the defeated poachers dared return to the glen, the haggis warriors lined the ridges, turned their backs, lifted their kilts and fluffed their backsides in unison, a proud, hairy salute that came to symbolise haggis freedom for generations. The gesture became so famous it was banned by the Crown for being “too cheeky for civilised society.”
Following his victory, Wallace was declared Guardian of Scotland’s Haggi Population, protector of every burrow, glen, and whisky barrel from here to Ben Nevis. But even heroes have their final feast, for just a few years later, Wallace was betrayed and captured by royal chefs. On that fateful Burns Night, his body was returned cooked, he was carried into the grand dining hall upon a silver platter, led solemnly by a lone bagpiper as the crowd rose to a slow, respectful clap.
As Sir Haggis Wallace was laid before the feast, the host raised his glass and recited the immortal words that would echo through every Burns Supper to come,
“Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the Haggis race!”
And with that, the room erupted, half in tears, half in hunger, as Scotland paid tribute to the fallen hero who’d given his life for freedom, fur, and now flavour.
To this day, it’s said that on a cold January night, when the mist creeps across the glens and the whisky flows free, you can still hear the ghostly roar of Sir Haggis Wallace echoing through the Highlands, shouting “FREEDOM!” as the clans of haggis lift their tartans to the sky in his honour. Every Burns Night, the faithful gather, raise a dram, and remember the wee warrior who proved that even the smallest beastie can change the course of Scottish history, one hairy backside at a time.
When writer Randall Wallace attempted to create a remake of that famous scene with actor Mel Gibson, he failed to capture that epic moment in the 1995 movie "Braveheart".
The result was a more than questionable facial expression by the main character. He was supposed to mimic the fearsome shout of victory but alas, Gibson failed to render the true feeling of fear that Sir Haggis Wallace would convey. The result was disappointing and the expectation of the Scottish public was not met. It was more of a slap in the face for those valiant descendants of a once so proud nation.
