SCOTLAND MELTS, GOVERTMENT TURNS "BIG FANS" ON FULL BLAST Emergency Breezey Protocols Deployed Across the Highlands
Scotland is officially pure roastin’, and with temperatures soaring to an unthinkable 21°C, the Scottish Government has taken drastic action to prevent a widespread national meltdoon. In a press conference held indoors, First Minister John Spinney confirmed,
“We’ve flicked the switch on the Big Fans. All of them. At once.”
Scotland’s wind farms, long assumed to be generating renewable energy, have now revealed their previously unknown secondary purpose of blasting cool air directly across the nation, essentially functioning as industrial scale desk fans for the country.
Experts warn the breezey effect may cause spontaneous kilt lifting, which has already resulted in three marriage proposals and a full moon sighting at 2pm in Fort William, and it wasn’t astronomical.
However, officials urge caution after a group of tourists in Pitlochry were accidentally launched towards Norway after standing too close to a fully powered fan blade while wearing Crocs.
In response, a national day of just lying in the shade breathing heavily has been declared until further notice.
Stay cool, Scotland. The wind is back.
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