For years, folk whispered of the mysterious maiden locked in the tower deep in Glenboggin. Her hair, long and wild, dangled from the window like a golden rope, if gold was matted, damp, and smelled faintly of burnt porridge.
Scratched into the stone above the window, clumsily but clearly, were the words, “HELP! Shout ‘Haggpunzel’ and I’ll let doon my hair!”
With no idea who, or what, had carved it, folk assumed a damsel lay within. And so, the locals would speak of Haggpunzel, and as the story of the trapped damsel spread throughout Scotland, many would come from far and wide to try and break down the door… all unsuccessfully.
But what they didn’t know... it wisnae a maiden. It was a wild haggis, unshaven, ungroomed, and tragically trapped. Decades ago, the poor beast had wandered into the abandoned tower sniffin’ out whisky fumes, only for the door to slam shut behind it and become permanently stuck, impossible to break down from inside or out. With no escape, it began growing its fur and attempting to lower it down the tower wall, hoping someone would climb up and set it free. But while the body hair grew slow… the pubes grew fast.
In desperation, it began lowering its tangled nethers out the window, inch by wiry inch, like a hairy rope o’ hope. Each year getting closer to the ground, and closer to escape.
It survived on bugs, caught birds in window traps, and drank rainwater collected in an old empty whisky bottle, the very same one whose fumes had lured it into the tower in the first place. Locals would gather and shout, “Haggpunzel, Haggpunzel, let doon yer hair!” but nobody could reach the window. Until one brave soul finally managed to climb up.
What he found wasn’t a bonnie maiden needing rescue…
…but a very Hairy Haggis needing conditioner, and its baws trimmed.
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On average, hair grows about half an inch per month, or 6 inches per year. Given that the height of the tower up to the window is something like 15', we can deduct that the age of Haggpunzel is anywhere between 40-45 years of age since pubes don't start to grow till puberty.
Whisky tends to slow down the growth of the pubes since the energy needed to grow is diverted to the muscles in the arm that raise the bottle from the window sill to the lips.
This Haggpunzel was later known as Iron Maiden because you need an iron will to survive in those conditions. All those that attempted to climb on the pubes tried to get her number, hence "the Number of the Beast"... That's how she became famous beyond her Scottish native land...
