METHANE MADNESS: Highland Coos Put on Mczempic After Methane Meltdown Triggers Moo-clear Crisis
Amid growing concerns over bovine emissions, Scottish authorities have rolled out Mczempic, a revolutionary weight management solution for livestock, after scientists warned that uncontrolled coo flatulence could destabilize the Highlands.
According to scientists, the chonky coos' methane emissions had increased the local temperature by three degrees, which in Scotland quadrupled the risk of sunburn among gingers, causing a national SPF shortage. They also caused low flying aircraft to be diverted after "unexpected bovine turbulence" was detected over the Highlands, and even set off earthquake sensors across the region, with fart tremors so powerful they were initially classified as minor tectonic activity. "We were facing a full-blown ecological disaster," said Professor Angus McBlowhard, lead researcher on the study.
"One high emission coo farted with such force it triggered a freak weather event, with meteorologists reporting 'unnatural gust patterns' over the Cairngorms." Mczempic, they claim, will shrink the coos down to "less combustible proportions" and "reduce national flatulence output by 94%." Critics aren't convinced.
Protestors have launched a counter campaign, "Let the Coos Rip Free, Farting is a Highland Right!" As one angry farmer put it, "A fat coo’s fart is the sound of freedom. You can't muzzle nature!"
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
