I Am A Christian But Im Not Perfect

Hello saintchantal 36-40, F. I am a christian too but I'm not perfect. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the Spirit Of God found me while I was still completely lost and wandering in life with no idea of any central meaning or purpose. After about 40 or so years I am beginning to understand that Jesus died to pay a debt of sin for me that I did not even know I had. Turning to Jesus is not a once and for all act that permanently solves every problem I will encounter for the rest of my life. To stay on the way I need to do it over and over again, every day. My biggest enemies are within. My pride, selfishness and a general reluctance to admit that anyone or anything could be more important than [i]what I want now[/i] are my biggest obstacles and I face them every day. I was married at age 22 a few weeks after my GF reached the minimum legal marying age of 17 (with parental consent) in Australia where we live. She was not a believer and I married her against the advice of friends and relatives. It was probably the biggest mistake of my life. During the first year of our second child's life she had an affair with a fellow that she met in our home group. I suspected that something was going on but when I asked her about it she whould put her nose in the air, sneer and walk away. In desperation I dragged her to see a marriage counsellor and she crossed her arms in defiance across her chest and sneered at the counsellor too. A week before that child's first birthday she left me abruptly and moved in with that fellow on the very same day. Soon after moving in together she became pregnant to him and not long after that he dumped her leaving her alone with three children, one of them his. After the house I paid for was sold, I gave her half the price I got for it, in cash and said goodbye. Recently she paid me a visit one evening completely unannounced. She simply dropped in and said she would like to come back but I've learned a hard lesson. She showed no sign of regret for the trouble she has caused everyone and she is still an unbeliever. There is more to life than material comforts although I am grateful for the little that I have. If she is so unhappy with the consequences of her own choices there is little I can do about it. She too, has some hard lessons to learn. I am not holding on to a grudge, I simply feel or see no reason to believe that she has changed. I struggle to forgive myself for making such a foolish decision as to marry her in the first place. Today she can come and go as often as she pleases and [i]I feel no grief[/i] because I have no expectation of her. Everything we had once is now gone. She does not have the power to take anything more from me. These days we get on a lot better than we did when we were married because [i]I do not depend on her for anything[/i]. It may be possible to build a friednship based on mutual respect and the humble admission that even good people make mistakes, it is too early to say. If all she wants from me is a handout I think it is time for her to find a new fool.