It’s been two + years since my original post and I still don’t have the answers
Two years later and I still don’t have the answers.
Original post :
https://similarworlds.com/catholicism/4723781-Has-anyone-ever-struggled-with-the-loss-of-faith
I still don’t know if faith is something you can lose forever or if it just waits quietly for you to come back when you’re finally ready.
Lately I’ve been looking at my life and realizing that whatever I’ve been doing for years to survive… isn’t really working anymore. The distractions, the anger, the numbness, the running from myself, the trying to carry everything alone. None of it has healed me. It just kept me moving long enough to avoid falling apart completely. Some days.
And people always say the same thing:
“Faith helps.”
“God helps.”
“Give it to God.”
But fuck.
The last time religion was a major part of my life, it almost killed me.
I was a child begging God to make the abuse stop. I prayed until I was exhausted. I confessed sins I hadn’t even committed because I thought maybe somehow this was my fault. I sat in pews surrounded by adults who spoke about goodness and protection while the people around me protected the person hurting me instead.
That kind of betrayal changes something in you.
Not just your relationship with religion.
Your relationship with safety.
With trust.
With yourself.
And now, all these years later, I still don’t know what to do with that.
Part of me misses believing there was something bigger than all of this pain. Something gentle. Something loving. I miss the comfort faith seemed to give other people. I miss the idea that maybe none of this suffering was meaningless.
But another part of me is terrified. Because what if I open that door again just to feel abandoned all over again?
How do you let God back into your life when his followers were the ones who helped destroy your trust in the first place?
How do you separate God from the people who used religion as a shield while a child suffered right in front of them?
I don’t know.
Maybe faith after trauma doesn’t look the same. Maybe it isn’t sitting in a church pew pretending everything is okay. Maybe it’s smaller than that. Maybe it’s just surviving long enough to ask the questions again. I still struggle with prayer I still struggle with belief.
I still wonder how God expects a 9 year old to be dealt with the cards they were handed because “god would never give you more than you can handle “
Original post :
https://similarworlds.com/catholicism/4723781-Has-anyone-ever-struggled-with-the-loss-of-faith
I still don’t know if faith is something you can lose forever or if it just waits quietly for you to come back when you’re finally ready.
Lately I’ve been looking at my life and realizing that whatever I’ve been doing for years to survive… isn’t really working anymore. The distractions, the anger, the numbness, the running from myself, the trying to carry everything alone. None of it has healed me. It just kept me moving long enough to avoid falling apart completely. Some days.
And people always say the same thing:
“Faith helps.”
“God helps.”
“Give it to God.”
But fuck.
The last time religion was a major part of my life, it almost killed me.
I was a child begging God to make the abuse stop. I prayed until I was exhausted. I confessed sins I hadn’t even committed because I thought maybe somehow this was my fault. I sat in pews surrounded by adults who spoke about goodness and protection while the people around me protected the person hurting me instead.
That kind of betrayal changes something in you.
Not just your relationship with religion.
Your relationship with safety.
With trust.
With yourself.
And now, all these years later, I still don’t know what to do with that.
Part of me misses believing there was something bigger than all of this pain. Something gentle. Something loving. I miss the comfort faith seemed to give other people. I miss the idea that maybe none of this suffering was meaningless.
But another part of me is terrified. Because what if I open that door again just to feel abandoned all over again?
How do you let God back into your life when his followers were the ones who helped destroy your trust in the first place?
How do you separate God from the people who used religion as a shield while a child suffered right in front of them?
I don’t know.
Maybe faith after trauma doesn’t look the same. Maybe it isn’t sitting in a church pew pretending everything is okay. Maybe it’s smaller than that. Maybe it’s just surviving long enough to ask the questions again. I still struggle with prayer I still struggle with belief.
I still wonder how God expects a 9 year old to be dealt with the cards they were handed because “god would never give you more than you can handle “
