I Think This Is Why I Hate My Body... And What I'm Going to Do About It
I had a breakthrough with my therapist today. At least I hope it was a breakthrough. It's too soon to know for sure.
I've been trying to figure out why I hate my sexuality. Why didn't those negative emotions get solved after I accepted myself as queer seven years ago?
When I explore my emotions, I have frequently found myself saying things like, "I would never want to subject another person to my body." What does that even mean? Why do I have those feelings? No one has ever made me feel that way. Where are those feelings coming from?
I had a difficult realization today. No one else feels that way about my body. It's how I feel. I'm projecting.
Yuck. I hate hating myself. I'm not the kind of person who hates myself. I'm a well-adjusted individual who loves myself. That's what I believe.
So of course I don't want to accept that I hate my body. That would be admitting that the problem is with me, and I don't see myself as someone who has problems. It's been way easier to project my own hatred of my body onto others so I don't have to admit that I hate my own body.
Why? I think it's my coping mechanism for when people dislike me. It's not me they dislike, it's my body.
I observed this pattern last weekend. I made a scheduling error, and several friends were disappointed with me that they were all getting slighted. I was feeling those negative emotions in my body. They were disappointed with me, and I processed it by feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
So as of today, I think my hatred of my sexuality, my disgust for my own body, is a coping mechanism. I've told myself a story from as early as I can remember that if people don't like me, it's not because of me, it's because of my body. That shields me from experiencing criticism. If only I didn't have to have a body, I wouldn't have all these problems. That coping mechanism has worked pretty well...if I'm willing to pay the price of hating my body.
I'm not willing to pay that price anymore.
So I think that's my deal. And if it is, then my challenge is to learn to redirect those feelings away from my body, and direct them instead to...? I'm not sure where yet. Maybe accepting that the internal me may be worthy of blame sometimes? Maybe recognizing that I need to develop some new social skills? Or maybe something else entirely?
I don't know. That's what I think so far. We'll see where it goes from here...
I've been trying to figure out why I hate my sexuality. Why didn't those negative emotions get solved after I accepted myself as queer seven years ago?
When I explore my emotions, I have frequently found myself saying things like, "I would never want to subject another person to my body." What does that even mean? Why do I have those feelings? No one has ever made me feel that way. Where are those feelings coming from?
I had a difficult realization today. No one else feels that way about my body. It's how I feel. I'm projecting.
Yuck. I hate hating myself. I'm not the kind of person who hates myself. I'm a well-adjusted individual who loves myself. That's what I believe.
So of course I don't want to accept that I hate my body. That would be admitting that the problem is with me, and I don't see myself as someone who has problems. It's been way easier to project my own hatred of my body onto others so I don't have to admit that I hate my own body.
Why? I think it's my coping mechanism for when people dislike me. It's not me they dislike, it's my body.
I observed this pattern last weekend. I made a scheduling error, and several friends were disappointed with me that they were all getting slighted. I was feeling those negative emotions in my body. They were disappointed with me, and I processed it by feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
So as of today, I think my hatred of my sexuality, my disgust for my own body, is a coping mechanism. I've told myself a story from as early as I can remember that if people don't like me, it's not because of me, it's because of my body. That shields me from experiencing criticism. If only I didn't have to have a body, I wouldn't have all these problems. That coping mechanism has worked pretty well...if I'm willing to pay the price of hating my body.
I'm not willing to pay that price anymore.
So I think that's my deal. And if it is, then my challenge is to learn to redirect those feelings away from my body, and direct them instead to...? I'm not sure where yet. Maybe accepting that the internal me may be worthy of blame sometimes? Maybe recognizing that I need to develop some new social skills? Or maybe something else entirely?
I don't know. That's what I think so far. We'll see where it goes from here...
46-50, F
