Control I Can't Maintain

When I was 14 my mother was having a psychotic episode. She kept trying to run out of the apartment in the middle of the night and I lived alone with her and had school in the morning. I called my grandmother to report the events, she said for us to come over there. Well, without any cab fare and no other adults, there was only one option. I had convinced my mother to walk to grandmother's house with me in the middle of the night. I say that again, because I was scared of the dark. But even scarier were the whites of her wide panicking eyes in complete darkness. It was dark and I couldn't see them, but I could imagine. She kept dropping her purse like it was a snake. 😂 She wouldn't go back to pick it up and I didn't want to either, because of it being dark, and residential streets with no streetlights, but someone had to and I did twice. It was 6.25 blocks of feeling a lack of cooperation. I have always said that we lived 6 blocks from grandmother, but that night that ever existing plus 0.25 blocks demanded recognition and I calmly got us there that whole way without adequate cooperation with anxiety coursing through my veins like oxygen. I do not react to situations, I analyze.

That was my life, I was sometimes supervising my mother and often checking to make sure she was still breathing and capable of being coherent.

I'm not aiming to be the adult in the room anymore. I feel control constantly leaking out of me and I cannot stop it on my own. Every minute is like that night, feeling like I have no one while on a journey through darkness.