Happiness is to know his desires
I found this as a drat here…
November 2023
I was with a guy last night and I grabbed his crotch. Why? I don’t really know. I figured that he wanted me to. What really happened is that he was holding my hand. He placed my hand down on his leg, then he nudged my hand toward his crotch. I figured he wanted me to caress his leg and I did, but I got bored and so… I grabbed his crotch through his clothes and massaged his cock. He said that it felt amazing. I don’t really care about his opinion, because he’s not dominant. There is so much that I can say about my interactions with him. I do spend almost every moment with him. First of all, the most important thing is that he calms me. I’d been without any direction and without adequate control from a Dom. The nonDominant guy calms my need to submit. He’s a guy who is everything relationshipwise that I DON’T want, but maybe I could still just give him everything that HE wants. Today he told me that he’s never had his cock sucked and that was shocking, but my mission in life should not be to suck his cock. I need more adequate dominance in my life or I’m totally going to dominate this guy into complete submission. I’m not even experienced sexually, but I’m now certain that I know that I’m more experienced than HIM. The guy does calm my submissive need, but as soon as we’re apart.. submission tends to hit me full force and I need that relieved.
I showed him some innocent drawings. He said that I make people look innocent, but that they’re not. He said that the last one I showed him turns him on because she’s close to an area of the guy and is in the right position. That conversation was funny, because I knew what he was referring to but I made him say it. It took him awhile but I told him that if he doesn’t say it, then I won’t show him my sketchbook with the explicit drawings. He did actually say it. 👏🫣 He just needed a little encouragement.🤭 I showed him some images that some men and women want me to draw for them. He thought that some of it was torture. I said that it’s not torture if she enjoys it. He was turned on by that for some reason. He moaned and looked away. He’s so shy but also forward, that’s a confusing combination. It shocks me whenever he says something sexual and then I have to regain my composure of teasing yet almost complete indifference. I showed him how to draw a heart, a square, and a cube. And then he drew a fighter jet. He has a natural talent for drawing planes. I just need to show him how to study his reference better.
I am unsure if I’m presenting myself as innocent or dominant to him. I don’t really think it matters. It’s real important that he calms my submission with his complete lack of dominance, even though he’s always turned on. Anyway, I’m actually trying not to engage with him, because I don’t want to become too unavailable if a Dom should become available for me. I like this guy, because I seek to know a man’s every desire and he just tells me and I think that it’s so nice.
Oh yes. Dominance feels good to my soul. It refreshes, energizes, rejuvenates, and it completes me. I don’t rest through sleeping, sleep is boring. I don’t get energy from eating, eating is something that I can do without. Yes, I know that I am wrong, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking that I don’t need to eat. I eat and sleep as much as my Dom suggests… no… orders me to, or as much as narcolepsy knocks me unconscious from exhaustion. Activity is good, being awake is good, but service is… oh so much better. Most men and some women desire sex, most women and some men desire relationships and equality.. neither represent me at alll. I desire being on my knees. But everyone that thinks that I’m on my knees to suck cock… I despise you and you could never be my Dom because you fail to understand me. I’m on my knees to reflect on what my Dom requires, to think about how I can better be of service, to listen to and understand him, to decompress, to improve my attitude, to gain some direction, to revel in the restraints and limits placed upon me so that I can feel like I am complete and I am free. Being owned is so important to me and it is every part of me. I feel no shame in wearing a collar or wearing restraints, I feel honored and valued and beloved. I feel no shame in being on my knees, I feel that I am connecting with my Sir and there is no better feeling in the world than that. Except that kneeling is for the real Doms only. As for sex… *sigh*.. it’s very boring and I will never be excited by the thought of it. The thought of a guy doing anything to pleasure me makes me very disinterested and bored. I’m detached from sex, because it’s boring, because there’s nothing in it for me, because I can’t handle it, because the guy is too selfish, or because I don’t want to react to it at all. And yet, I am very EASILY aroused. I’m aroused by Sir’s orders, by Sir’s lectures, by the sound of control emanating from Sir’s voice. When Sir says that he will touch me.. I orgasm immediately, because I can’t even handle the thought of his touch.. whether it be for pain or pleasure. Sir’s touch is my entire world and I am not worthy. Sir’s voice is desire coursing through my body just waiting for release. Do I want to cum? No, I want to just feel, I want to touch the untouchable essence of Sir’s dominance. I orgasm very easily without ever being touched, without ever having sex.. I don’t need sex, but I wouldn’t withhold it from Sir. I know that I can’t handle being touched, but I will endure it just like the pain I take from his punishment. I wonder if I’d actually prefer the pain than endure him playing with my body. But I wouldn’t prefer anything, because I want what he wants, his will or desire become my own. I hold my breath, because I can’t handle it. I then take a deep breath because I forgot I wasn’t breathing and I can’t handle it. I know that I’m way too excited and I can’t handle it. Pain is so much easier, because I don’t have to focus.. I can zone out and it doesn’t matter. The way that Sir would force me to endure every part of sex when I can’t even handle eye contact with him.. it’s overwhelming, but his will is my own. His size or shape or firmness of his cock make absolutely no difference at all, because the only thing that matters to me is his pleasure. Well, if he’s large in size, then I might run unless he’s able to calm me. A Dom may say that I don’t have time for submission, but he’d be wrong. There’s more than tasks, there’s a mindset and a need. I may mismanage my time, but a someday a Sir will understand that he controls at least 40% of my time and he’d understand my methods of multitasking and the necessity of it as well. See, some things I’d never tell a Dom about, because if they are at a certain experience level or have asked the right questions and performed relevant actions, then a Dom already knows this much and so much more. I know that for certain things that words mean nothing and I don’t want to be known for my words anyway, I want to be acknowledged for my actions and in how I make the effort to serve him, because even a failure should still count for something. Being on my knees before him is not to suck his cock. I’d feel honored to do so, but it truly is distressing when anyone thinks that’s all that kneeling is for. I have an orgasmic, submissive, sensation sensitive, and chameleon type of soul. As a chameleon who desires to serve in almost any manner any Sir desires, I hope to have a 24/7 Sir who understands the power he has. A Sir who does NOT say that a submissive holds the power, because he knows how much it breaks me to hear that, so he knows to keep that to himself.
Today 4-2-24
I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. He’d told people that we were in love with each other. That wasn’t true on my part and then he suddenly stopped talking to me and I did not chase him. I wasn’t satisfied with the communication and he didn’t have a dominant bone in his body. I was more dominant with him in order to protect him and not letting people take advantage of him. I bought him things in order to consider his diabetic issues and care for him: sugar free chocolate, alternative sugar, and his favorite tea. I mainly tried to protect him from spending too much money while also trying to allow him to be a man, but that felt quite impossible. I was going to be forced to be more controlling.
November 2023
I was with a guy last night and I grabbed his crotch. Why? I don’t really know. I figured that he wanted me to. What really happened is that he was holding my hand. He placed my hand down on his leg, then he nudged my hand toward his crotch. I figured he wanted me to caress his leg and I did, but I got bored and so… I grabbed his crotch through his clothes and massaged his cock. He said that it felt amazing. I don’t really care about his opinion, because he’s not dominant. There is so much that I can say about my interactions with him. I do spend almost every moment with him. First of all, the most important thing is that he calms me. I’d been without any direction and without adequate control from a Dom. The nonDominant guy calms my need to submit. He’s a guy who is everything relationshipwise that I DON’T want, but maybe I could still just give him everything that HE wants. Today he told me that he’s never had his cock sucked and that was shocking, but my mission in life should not be to suck his cock. I need more adequate dominance in my life or I’m totally going to dominate this guy into complete submission. I’m not even experienced sexually, but I’m now certain that I know that I’m more experienced than HIM. The guy does calm my submissive need, but as soon as we’re apart.. submission tends to hit me full force and I need that relieved.
I showed him some innocent drawings. He said that I make people look innocent, but that they’re not. He said that the last one I showed him turns him on because she’s close to an area of the guy and is in the right position. That conversation was funny, because I knew what he was referring to but I made him say it. It took him awhile but I told him that if he doesn’t say it, then I won’t show him my sketchbook with the explicit drawings. He did actually say it. 👏🫣 He just needed a little encouragement.🤭 I showed him some images that some men and women want me to draw for them. He thought that some of it was torture. I said that it’s not torture if she enjoys it. He was turned on by that for some reason. He moaned and looked away. He’s so shy but also forward, that’s a confusing combination. It shocks me whenever he says something sexual and then I have to regain my composure of teasing yet almost complete indifference. I showed him how to draw a heart, a square, and a cube. And then he drew a fighter jet. He has a natural talent for drawing planes. I just need to show him how to study his reference better.
I am unsure if I’m presenting myself as innocent or dominant to him. I don’t really think it matters. It’s real important that he calms my submission with his complete lack of dominance, even though he’s always turned on. Anyway, I’m actually trying not to engage with him, because I don’t want to become too unavailable if a Dom should become available for me. I like this guy, because I seek to know a man’s every desire and he just tells me and I think that it’s so nice.
Oh yes. Dominance feels good to my soul. It refreshes, energizes, rejuvenates, and it completes me. I don’t rest through sleeping, sleep is boring. I don’t get energy from eating, eating is something that I can do without. Yes, I know that I am wrong, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking that I don’t need to eat. I eat and sleep as much as my Dom suggests… no… orders me to, or as much as narcolepsy knocks me unconscious from exhaustion. Activity is good, being awake is good, but service is… oh so much better. Most men and some women desire sex, most women and some men desire relationships and equality.. neither represent me at alll. I desire being on my knees. But everyone that thinks that I’m on my knees to suck cock… I despise you and you could never be my Dom because you fail to understand me. I’m on my knees to reflect on what my Dom requires, to think about how I can better be of service, to listen to and understand him, to decompress, to improve my attitude, to gain some direction, to revel in the restraints and limits placed upon me so that I can feel like I am complete and I am free. Being owned is so important to me and it is every part of me. I feel no shame in wearing a collar or wearing restraints, I feel honored and valued and beloved. I feel no shame in being on my knees, I feel that I am connecting with my Sir and there is no better feeling in the world than that. Except that kneeling is for the real Doms only. As for sex… *sigh*.. it’s very boring and I will never be excited by the thought of it. The thought of a guy doing anything to pleasure me makes me very disinterested and bored. I’m detached from sex, because it’s boring, because there’s nothing in it for me, because I can’t handle it, because the guy is too selfish, or because I don’t want to react to it at all. And yet, I am very EASILY aroused. I’m aroused by Sir’s orders, by Sir’s lectures, by the sound of control emanating from Sir’s voice. When Sir says that he will touch me.. I orgasm immediately, because I can’t even handle the thought of his touch.. whether it be for pain or pleasure. Sir’s touch is my entire world and I am not worthy. Sir’s voice is desire coursing through my body just waiting for release. Do I want to cum? No, I want to just feel, I want to touch the untouchable essence of Sir’s dominance. I orgasm very easily without ever being touched, without ever having sex.. I don’t need sex, but I wouldn’t withhold it from Sir. I know that I can’t handle being touched, but I will endure it just like the pain I take from his punishment. I wonder if I’d actually prefer the pain than endure him playing with my body. But I wouldn’t prefer anything, because I want what he wants, his will or desire become my own. I hold my breath, because I can’t handle it. I then take a deep breath because I forgot I wasn’t breathing and I can’t handle it. I know that I’m way too excited and I can’t handle it. Pain is so much easier, because I don’t have to focus.. I can zone out and it doesn’t matter. The way that Sir would force me to endure every part of sex when I can’t even handle eye contact with him.. it’s overwhelming, but his will is my own. His size or shape or firmness of his cock make absolutely no difference at all, because the only thing that matters to me is his pleasure. Well, if he’s large in size, then I might run unless he’s able to calm me. A Dom may say that I don’t have time for submission, but he’d be wrong. There’s more than tasks, there’s a mindset and a need. I may mismanage my time, but a someday a Sir will understand that he controls at least 40% of my time and he’d understand my methods of multitasking and the necessity of it as well. See, some things I’d never tell a Dom about, because if they are at a certain experience level or have asked the right questions and performed relevant actions, then a Dom already knows this much and so much more. I know that for certain things that words mean nothing and I don’t want to be known for my words anyway, I want to be acknowledged for my actions and in how I make the effort to serve him, because even a failure should still count for something. Being on my knees before him is not to suck his cock. I’d feel honored to do so, but it truly is distressing when anyone thinks that’s all that kneeling is for. I have an orgasmic, submissive, sensation sensitive, and chameleon type of soul. As a chameleon who desires to serve in almost any manner any Sir desires, I hope to have a 24/7 Sir who understands the power he has. A Sir who does NOT say that a submissive holds the power, because he knows how much it breaks me to hear that, so he knows to keep that to himself.
Today 4-2-24
I don’t have a boyfriend anymore. He’d told people that we were in love with each other. That wasn’t true on my part and then he suddenly stopped talking to me and I did not chase him. I wasn’t satisfied with the communication and he didn’t have a dominant bone in his body. I was more dominant with him in order to protect him and not letting people take advantage of him. I bought him things in order to consider his diabetic issues and care for him: sugar free chocolate, alternative sugar, and his favorite tea. I mainly tried to protect him from spending too much money while also trying to allow him to be a man, but that felt quite impossible. I was going to be forced to be more controlling.
36-40, F
