Unexplained Intensity
What is with my intensity lately? I’ve no idea why I feel this intensity. Where is this coming from? I had made a statement that someone isn’t sorry for what he did and then said, “Goodbye”. That’s not something I’d ever say and I’d never said it before in that manner either. it seemed quite dramatic and out of character. I didn’t know I was this dramatic, or at least I never was previously or at least not to my knowledge. Am I a character in a soap opera all of a sudden?
I forgot to change my clothes before going to work yesterday. I checked my car, because sometimes I keep a change of clothes there, but all I had was a brand new black tank top. It’s been in there for 2 months, but I assume that I can still call it new due to having never worn it and the tags still being on it. I’d guessed that I had no choice and I put it on, but I put my coat back on as well. I looked at myself and didn’t think I looked bad. In fact, I felt as if I’d lost weight, so…uh oh. Unintentionally losing weight isn’t a great sign, but I enjoy that it was effortless. This a good thing as long as I don’t tell anyone. You can keep a secret, right? Ah.. the safety of the internet, you wouldn’t know who to tell. lol
People sometimes feel justified in what they do or say regardless of the pain it causes. I wouldn’t want some empty apology. If someone is trying to justify what they did or said, then they aren’t actually sorry, right? If I was hurt by it, then I don’t want to hear any justification at all, because I think they should tell that to someone who cares, the same as they cared about my feelings when they did or said it. It’s not as simple as being hurt by accident. It’s been discussed before and he’d promised to never say something like that again. Apparently I can’t trust that, so what else should I not bother trusting? He doesn’t know the damage he’s caused and that what will happen is the opposite of what he wants. I am not someone who will ever accept negative judgements about other people, I will have to see for myself whether that’s true. If someone were to say, “He’ll rape you if you go to his house,” I’d have to see for myself. If someone said that he’s a serial killer, I’d have to investigate that too. I would get close to someone just to see if the judgement someone made about them is correct. I know that’s the way I am, so I need people to be careful about their negativity. The more that someone is negative toward some other person, the more I will love them. Negativity regarding an individual makes them seem unlovable and I will show them love, because I am stupidly, unintentionally selfless. I don’t even want to be seen as selfless, because I like to be invisible and I don’t like when people realize that they can manipulate or use me. I want people to think that I am the coldest, most impenetrable, unwavering, immune to the will of all others type of person. I’ve had to put on a mask of indifference, so if people feel that I don’t care at all, then its working. I don’t… I’m not capable of holding that mask up sometimes, sometimes I just fall under someone’s influence. It’s tiring to try to stay in control all the time, to ignore what people want, and to reject my desire to help them… it’s literally exhausting to not be that part of me because that identity is so powerful. I do my absolute best to stay away from all men, except for some of the ones I actually like. I do also stay away from any guy I have a crush on, because I become conscious, judgmental, and unforgiving of myself and any error.
There’s nothing that will make me hate someone more than them saying “I know you need sex.” The way they just immediately turn into my ex is haunting. The way my ex would accuse me of cheating if I wasn’t interested in having sex. He’d berate me and say that my lover (the imaginary ones he conjured up) would leave me if I was no longer in a relationship, because they only want to be a side piece. It always terrified me when he spoke that way, because I feared for my life. It was probably due to him threatening my life and saying he’d get away with it, because it would be a crime of passion. If someone becomes my husband through whatever triggered response, then it seems easy for me to leave, I’ve already left my husband once before. It can’t be that hard to do it again. After all this time of being on my own.. I sleep better, my anxiety about being at home isn’t life threatening, and I don’t have nightmares anymore. It’s not even true to say that I need sex, I’ve gone years without having sex and can go days without having food. I need the food eventually, but not any sex. I haven’t even masturbated for this entire year and I’m not sure long before this year began.. maybe 2 months. I’m not interested in just having physical pleasure and I’m not even interested in taking the edge off anymore. None of that means anything when I’m not able to be submissive to a Dom. The more time that passes, the more that I miss a relationship that I once had with a Dom. I thought that it was supposed to get easier, but it’s only getting worse. He was someone who relieved my exhaustion from constant self control. He didn’t even do anything with me and he wasn’t even my Dom.. he would just tell me stories about his experiences and he wouldn’t ever let me spiral out of control, because he’d take control if that were to happen. He was someone I was able to feel safe with and he had protocols that he expected to be followed, I don’t know why that was so refreshing. It was like finally being able to breathe freely after some insane controlled breathing like I was rationing oxygen. There hasn’t been anyone else like him and it’s not like I’m looking for someone like him.. I’m not. It’s just that his absence has been difficult, because I can barely breathe. If I breathe and allow myself to be free, then I am always in danger because people will take advantage of my desire to serve.
I forgot to change my clothes before going to work yesterday. I checked my car, because sometimes I keep a change of clothes there, but all I had was a brand new black tank top. It’s been in there for 2 months, but I assume that I can still call it new due to having never worn it and the tags still being on it. I’d guessed that I had no choice and I put it on, but I put my coat back on as well. I looked at myself and didn’t think I looked bad. In fact, I felt as if I’d lost weight, so…uh oh. Unintentionally losing weight isn’t a great sign, but I enjoy that it was effortless. This a good thing as long as I don’t tell anyone. You can keep a secret, right? Ah.. the safety of the internet, you wouldn’t know who to tell. lol
People sometimes feel justified in what they do or say regardless of the pain it causes. I wouldn’t want some empty apology. If someone is trying to justify what they did or said, then they aren’t actually sorry, right? If I was hurt by it, then I don’t want to hear any justification at all, because I think they should tell that to someone who cares, the same as they cared about my feelings when they did or said it. It’s not as simple as being hurt by accident. It’s been discussed before and he’d promised to never say something like that again. Apparently I can’t trust that, so what else should I not bother trusting? He doesn’t know the damage he’s caused and that what will happen is the opposite of what he wants. I am not someone who will ever accept negative judgements about other people, I will have to see for myself whether that’s true. If someone were to say, “He’ll rape you if you go to his house,” I’d have to see for myself. If someone said that he’s a serial killer, I’d have to investigate that too. I would get close to someone just to see if the judgement someone made about them is correct. I know that’s the way I am, so I need people to be careful about their negativity. The more that someone is negative toward some other person, the more I will love them. Negativity regarding an individual makes them seem unlovable and I will show them love, because I am stupidly, unintentionally selfless. I don’t even want to be seen as selfless, because I like to be invisible and I don’t like when people realize that they can manipulate or use me. I want people to think that I am the coldest, most impenetrable, unwavering, immune to the will of all others type of person. I’ve had to put on a mask of indifference, so if people feel that I don’t care at all, then its working. I don’t… I’m not capable of holding that mask up sometimes, sometimes I just fall under someone’s influence. It’s tiring to try to stay in control all the time, to ignore what people want, and to reject my desire to help them… it’s literally exhausting to not be that part of me because that identity is so powerful. I do my absolute best to stay away from all men, except for some of the ones I actually like. I do also stay away from any guy I have a crush on, because I become conscious, judgmental, and unforgiving of myself and any error.
There’s nothing that will make me hate someone more than them saying “I know you need sex.” The way they just immediately turn into my ex is haunting. The way my ex would accuse me of cheating if I wasn’t interested in having sex. He’d berate me and say that my lover (the imaginary ones he conjured up) would leave me if I was no longer in a relationship, because they only want to be a side piece. It always terrified me when he spoke that way, because I feared for my life. It was probably due to him threatening my life and saying he’d get away with it, because it would be a crime of passion. If someone becomes my husband through whatever triggered response, then it seems easy for me to leave, I’ve already left my husband once before. It can’t be that hard to do it again. After all this time of being on my own.. I sleep better, my anxiety about being at home isn’t life threatening, and I don’t have nightmares anymore. It’s not even true to say that I need sex, I’ve gone years without having sex and can go days without having food. I need the food eventually, but not any sex. I haven’t even masturbated for this entire year and I’m not sure long before this year began.. maybe 2 months. I’m not interested in just having physical pleasure and I’m not even interested in taking the edge off anymore. None of that means anything when I’m not able to be submissive to a Dom. The more time that passes, the more that I miss a relationship that I once had with a Dom. I thought that it was supposed to get easier, but it’s only getting worse. He was someone who relieved my exhaustion from constant self control. He didn’t even do anything with me and he wasn’t even my Dom.. he would just tell me stories about his experiences and he wouldn’t ever let me spiral out of control, because he’d take control if that were to happen. He was someone I was able to feel safe with and he had protocols that he expected to be followed, I don’t know why that was so refreshing. It was like finally being able to breathe freely after some insane controlled breathing like I was rationing oxygen. There hasn’t been anyone else like him and it’s not like I’m looking for someone like him.. I’m not. It’s just that his absence has been difficult, because I can barely breathe. If I breathe and allow myself to be free, then I am always in danger because people will take advantage of my desire to serve.
36-40, F
