I Am Asexual
It's always been weird to me hearing other people describe their attraction to another. You come across stories of dating and courtship and the first things people mention are curves or height or muscles or proportions. All the physical traits that we take as a given when it comes to the idealized person. Then there are certain features like facial hair or cheekbones or jawlines that other people gravitate towards as well.
I don't mean to imply that physical beauty as a concept doesn't exist. I find all of those features appealing to the eye myself. It just doesn't make sense for dating someone. None of aesthetics should be able to translate to an emotional connection. I always look at conventional attractiveness as a veneer. A shell. Something that has no bearing on my ability to like and relate to this person. All that glitters isn't gold, as the saying goes.
But I can also say that I've never experienced lust. I'll never know what it's like to look at someone and immediately imagine all sorts of carnal activities with them. I can't relate to people that have physical urges to satisfy and their primitive attraction to someone's looks. I'm not saying those things are wrong, but they are illogical af.
It does make courtship much more difficult for me though. I don't project traits onto aesthetically pleasing people the way another might. I have to wait to get to know a person before deciding whether or not I want to give them a chance, and even then I'm picky since there are specific character traits I won't compromise on. I need a woman that's intrinsically thoughtful, sincerely kind, and largely dependable. Not exactly qualities you can determine from a Tinder profile.
Dating would be a complete gamble since I'm not narrowing down people based on something as superficial as looks. It takes time to find those qualities in a person. Digging below the surface is something people usually put off when deciding to date. Getting to know someone before deciding to date them is rather contrary to the way things are typically done. Although I'm aware that dating is often riddled with questions, it just seems like good looks will placate the lack of answers for a lot of people in ways it wouldn't for me.
I'm gearing up to start dating online since meeting people as a friendless introvert is no easy task. However, given all the feedback I've gotten from online dating sites and apps, vanity and shallowness seem to run rampant. It's very discouraging to hear when those are things you're not even remotely drawn towards. I just don't have many other options. It's always been an underlying hope of mine on websites like these to come across a person like the kind I'm looking for because those qualities are significantly more accessible here, though lonely people are often cast as pathetic or creepy for wanting that kind of attention. I think that contributes a lot to the lack of genuine interactions here and why so many delete their pages in frustration. Then again, I don't doubt that the same shallow, vain idiots that grace the world of digital dating also come here looking for instant gratification.
Or maybe I'm just weird for not wanting instant gratification and willing to wait for the real thing? I often wonder if I'm putting myself at a disadvantage for not caring about good looks. It seems sometimes that people are more concerned with getting the most attention as opposed to getting the right kind of attention. Social media has turned all of our lives into popularity contests, so not having any social media probably takes me out of the running more than I'd like to admit.
When you're lonely your whole life, it's tough to pinpoint a source. I am an asexual, and given how rare it is, you have to wonder how much of an impact that's had on your loneliness. The discussions others have about dating seem alien to you. The concepts of physical attractiveness are a foreign experience you only witness in media. Not being able to resonate with what the vast majority of people feel probably does isolate me way more than I thought. As a man, I'm expected to make the first move and initiate encounters, but when what you're looking for is beyond the surface level, making those decisions is almost impossible. You have little to work with as someone not prone to primal feelings. Either way, it's been a frustrating life for sure
I don't mean to imply that physical beauty as a concept doesn't exist. I find all of those features appealing to the eye myself. It just doesn't make sense for dating someone. None of aesthetics should be able to translate to an emotional connection. I always look at conventional attractiveness as a veneer. A shell. Something that has no bearing on my ability to like and relate to this person. All that glitters isn't gold, as the saying goes.
But I can also say that I've never experienced lust. I'll never know what it's like to look at someone and immediately imagine all sorts of carnal activities with them. I can't relate to people that have physical urges to satisfy and their primitive attraction to someone's looks. I'm not saying those things are wrong, but they are illogical af.
It does make courtship much more difficult for me though. I don't project traits onto aesthetically pleasing people the way another might. I have to wait to get to know a person before deciding whether or not I want to give them a chance, and even then I'm picky since there are specific character traits I won't compromise on. I need a woman that's intrinsically thoughtful, sincerely kind, and largely dependable. Not exactly qualities you can determine from a Tinder profile.
Dating would be a complete gamble since I'm not narrowing down people based on something as superficial as looks. It takes time to find those qualities in a person. Digging below the surface is something people usually put off when deciding to date. Getting to know someone before deciding to date them is rather contrary to the way things are typically done. Although I'm aware that dating is often riddled with questions, it just seems like good looks will placate the lack of answers for a lot of people in ways it wouldn't for me.
I'm gearing up to start dating online since meeting people as a friendless introvert is no easy task. However, given all the feedback I've gotten from online dating sites and apps, vanity and shallowness seem to run rampant. It's very discouraging to hear when those are things you're not even remotely drawn towards. I just don't have many other options. It's always been an underlying hope of mine on websites like these to come across a person like the kind I'm looking for because those qualities are significantly more accessible here, though lonely people are often cast as pathetic or creepy for wanting that kind of attention. I think that contributes a lot to the lack of genuine interactions here and why so many delete their pages in frustration. Then again, I don't doubt that the same shallow, vain idiots that grace the world of digital dating also come here looking for instant gratification.
Or maybe I'm just weird for not wanting instant gratification and willing to wait for the real thing? I often wonder if I'm putting myself at a disadvantage for not caring about good looks. It seems sometimes that people are more concerned with getting the most attention as opposed to getting the right kind of attention. Social media has turned all of our lives into popularity contests, so not having any social media probably takes me out of the running more than I'd like to admit.
When you're lonely your whole life, it's tough to pinpoint a source. I am an asexual, and given how rare it is, you have to wonder how much of an impact that's had on your loneliness. The discussions others have about dating seem alien to you. The concepts of physical attractiveness are a foreign experience you only witness in media. Not being able to resonate with what the vast majority of people feel probably does isolate me way more than I thought. As a man, I'm expected to make the first move and initiate encounters, but when what you're looking for is beyond the surface level, making those decisions is almost impossible. You have little to work with as someone not prone to primal feelings. Either way, it's been a frustrating life for sure
