Dream a little dream...
I barely remember dreams. There's maybe one or two handfuls that I can ever really remember over my 43 years of life. Typically in the ones I remember I'm usually with people from my normal life but in very unusual circumstances. But last night wasn't the case.
I've had a huge crush on actress Jenna Coleman for the better part of a decade now. Ever since I saw her show up on Doctor Who my heart ached for her as well as for her character to just walk out of the screen and into my life. She's the only person I can remember who isn't in my actual life but always manages to find her way into my dreams. Most of the times in my dreams it's about how we meet and some adventure leads to us finding romance together, something not foreign to my typical brand of idealizing the thought of her. Most times before anything too spicy happens I'm forced to wake up and nothing ever comes from the dream.
Since today was New Years Eve I found it ironic that the last dream of 2021 starred her again. Honestly I don't remember her being in a dream of mine for some time now so she was welcomed back. But something was different this time. This time she admitted to me that she had feelings for someone else, who turned out to be another woman instead of another man, and the adventure for us was her asking me to help her get to her new love, even though she admitted knowing all those times before how my feelings were clear as day to her.
I remember in the dream thinking I had to be happy for her. There wasn't any reason why I should make her feel wrong or bad for loving someone that wasn't me. It wasn't easy for me to accept that, but after she was honest with me I remember needing a moment and then finally taking her hands in mine and telling her "lets go find your love".
For once the dream didn't end oddly because most times I wake up before the story is through. This time I managed to race her to get to her love and even saw them off. It felt like the sequence with Andrew Lincoln and Kiera Knightley in Love Actually where he's flat out admitting his absolute love for this woman he knows he'll never have because she married his best friend.
I just kind of took that moment in in the dream, amazingly I did feel quite emotional letting her go. I'm sure there's some symbolism to this where my mind is working out something, but I can't put my finger on what it is. Maybe the feeling of putting aside my happiness so that someone else can be happier? Either way in the dream I remember it being one of the hardest things I ever did to let her go and even now thinking back on it to write this there's more than a little pain reliving it. Funny how the mind works.
I've had a huge crush on actress Jenna Coleman for the better part of a decade now. Ever since I saw her show up on Doctor Who my heart ached for her as well as for her character to just walk out of the screen and into my life. She's the only person I can remember who isn't in my actual life but always manages to find her way into my dreams. Most of the times in my dreams it's about how we meet and some adventure leads to us finding romance together, something not foreign to my typical brand of idealizing the thought of her. Most times before anything too spicy happens I'm forced to wake up and nothing ever comes from the dream.
Since today was New Years Eve I found it ironic that the last dream of 2021 starred her again. Honestly I don't remember her being in a dream of mine for some time now so she was welcomed back. But something was different this time. This time she admitted to me that she had feelings for someone else, who turned out to be another woman instead of another man, and the adventure for us was her asking me to help her get to her new love, even though she admitted knowing all those times before how my feelings were clear as day to her.
I remember in the dream thinking I had to be happy for her. There wasn't any reason why I should make her feel wrong or bad for loving someone that wasn't me. It wasn't easy for me to accept that, but after she was honest with me I remember needing a moment and then finally taking her hands in mine and telling her "lets go find your love".
For once the dream didn't end oddly because most times I wake up before the story is through. This time I managed to race her to get to her love and even saw them off. It felt like the sequence with Andrew Lincoln and Kiera Knightley in Love Actually where he's flat out admitting his absolute love for this woman he knows he'll never have because she married his best friend.
I just kind of took that moment in in the dream, amazingly I did feel quite emotional letting her go. I'm sure there's some symbolism to this where my mind is working out something, but I can't put my finger on what it is. Maybe the feeling of putting aside my happiness so that someone else can be happier? Either way in the dream I remember it being one of the hardest things I ever did to let her go and even now thinking back on it to write this there's more than a little pain reliving it. Funny how the mind works.
46-50, M
