I want to admit how freaking scared I am. I am scared.
As I am proceeding with this project with the municipality, on this island that did nothing but pushed me away, whereas in the past I have been sued during an art festival, I used to organize an art festival for 4 years here, and they sued me for vandalizing ancient monuments, as we painted in a cave in a forest - didn't really know it was an ancient monument.
And later on I had been attacked in many ways, by friends, by co-workers and lastly I was physically attacked - I was held onto the ground and later pushed over some tables at a cafe-tavern. Many of "my people" were there.
To be returning back to this same land and to be attempting to do large scale creative work like I am and collaborating again with the municipality, is damn scary af. I cannot communicate this enough with you.
I felt that I had that in control but after creating a Facebook page regarding the new work, and adding friends from the old circle, rekindled my fears.
I want to be doing what I am doing. I know I do stuff none does and I understand my value when it comes to artistic works. I am different and I carry a lot to share. And yet I have to fight with a lot of thoughts daily. God help me.
I truly fit into that role and into that project and it is an expansion I am looking forward to. But I feel that it all needs to be fueled by a ton of my energy. I'd wish to receive more support. I am certain the support will arrive, it just not there yet. I am trying to stay firm into my mind and not doubt myself. It is easier some moments moreso than others.
And soon there is another change coming too, me having to move and not having a suitable place for my mind to go to. This upcoming movement and change is scaring me even more, will I be able to keep my sailboat above water. All these are wonderful but bit too challenging. There is a lot of fear and insecurities coming up that I am called to face.
And later on I had been attacked in many ways, by friends, by co-workers and lastly I was physically attacked - I was held onto the ground and later pushed over some tables at a cafe-tavern. Many of "my people" were there.
To be returning back to this same land and to be attempting to do large scale creative work like I am and collaborating again with the municipality, is damn scary af. I cannot communicate this enough with you.
I felt that I had that in control but after creating a Facebook page regarding the new work, and adding friends from the old circle, rekindled my fears.
I want to be doing what I am doing. I know I do stuff none does and I understand my value when it comes to artistic works. I am different and I carry a lot to share. And yet I have to fight with a lot of thoughts daily. God help me.
I truly fit into that role and into that project and it is an expansion I am looking forward to. But I feel that it all needs to be fueled by a ton of my energy. I'd wish to receive more support. I am certain the support will arrive, it just not there yet. I am trying to stay firm into my mind and not doubt myself. It is easier some moments moreso than others.
And soon there is another change coming too, me having to move and not having a suitable place for my mind to go to. This upcoming movement and change is scaring me even more, will I be able to keep my sailboat above water. All these are wonderful but bit too challenging. There is a lot of fear and insecurities coming up that I am called to face.
