My whole life I just wanted to become enlightened

I left home when I was 18 after all the meditation and 3rd eye research I did. I was so confident but I ended up in a homeless shelter and trying to figure out happiness all the time. I became really suicidal and jumped from a bridge once and now I'm paralyzed. I experienced some awake ings and it made me high for life but also been out of balance a few times too and it just hurts to live. It was all pretty lonely but now I get to live in a nursing home and get cared for every day