I am so damn clueless.
I’m in my mid-30s. Approaching middle age. I’ve only been in two committed relationships. Both of them I technically met online. My first ex I met before the age of dating apps, the earlier days of the Internet, when chat rooms and forums were how people communicated online, rather than modern social media. I was in one of these chat rooms, this gal saw we happened to be from the same town, and she was like “Oh cool, we live really close to each other! Want to come to my house?” She was very bold, so I said sure. I went to her house, we had dinner, and then she laid her head on my shoulder. So as clueless as I am at telling if a woman is interested in me, this was pretty obvious. So yeah, that’s how we became a couple.
The second committed relationship was more recent but still several years ago, and we met through a dating app. The relationship was serious/committed but didn’t last long…about six months.
So now here I am, post-COVID, getting closer to middle age. I know it’s politically incorrect these days, but I want a traditional marriage and children. I have no idea how to get that though. All the women my age either already have children, don’t want them, or biologically can’t have them without serious fertility risks…which limits my dating pool. It doesn’t help that I’m not a traditionally attractive man. I’m not ugly or anything, but I’m not particularly “manly,” rich, or ripped. I think I have a lot to offer…but I’m not sure how to prove that.
All my life, I was raised by a single mom. She taught me that “you’ll find someone someday” or “God will put someone in your life when you least expect it.” So that’s what I’ve been doing all my life. Sitting around and hoping that “the one” (I don’t believe in this concept BTW) will just pop up in my lap. Maybe I’ll fall asleep on the couch, then when I wake up, there will be this gorgeous woman making out with me? 😂 It’s all just such a passive approach.
Throughout my adult life, I’ve heard different approaches. The pastor at my church says we men should just ask out the single women at church. I don’t even know how that would work though. I usually sit with my roommate on Sunday. I guess I could sit by some single lady instead…if she felt comfortable with that. But how would this whole asking out thing work? Like we’re singing “Shout to the LORD, all the…hey, do you want to go to the bar after church?” Sounds awkward to me. But everything is awkward to me, so…
My therapist says I should make female friends and then the friendship can turn into a relationship. That’s how he met his wife. I’m not sure how that would work either though. It’s hard enough to make guy friends. Most of my male friends are either old school/college buddies, or I met them at church. They usually go somewhere and ask me if I want to join. This doesn’t happen much with women though. I haven’t really kept up with any of my old female friends from school, and they’ve all gotten married. And the single women at my church just kind of stick together. They’re a bit cliquey. And even if I do manage to make some good female friends…how would I turn that friendship into a relationship? Is there some switch I flip to make her see me as more than a friend?
I’ve been single for literally all of my 30s. My last relationship was in my 20s. While it doesn’t seem there really is a *good* way to date, it seems like the apps are the lesser of all the evils, simply because I can skip over all the phases of having to become friends first, be friends for a year, then decide if you want to turn it into more than friends, etc. So less wasted time. And with the apps, you don’t have to interrupt/harass women while they’re busy reading the Bible, working out, etc. We’re all there for the same reason…to date. But I get a match maybe once a month if I’m lucky. Then we go on a date and then she ghosts me.
I know desperation is a turnoff, but I don’t know how to NOT be desperate.
I feel like I just need an instruction manual with step by step instructions on how to find a girlfriend and eventual wife. Because everyone seems to have a different opinion. I just want a step 1, step 2, and this will work. Just like an installation guide that’s guaranteed to work or your money back.
Honestly I don’t think dating apps and hookup culture are the main problem here like many of the older folks say, although they certainly don’t help. I think 20th century dating is what complicated everything. The actual term “dating” is actually pretty new in a historical sense. Prior to the 20th century, marriage was more of a family matter. You weren’t just expected to go out into the wild and manage to capture someone’s attention. Families helped with matchmaking. They still do this in India—arranged marriage. Most Americans think this is oppressive and that “arranged” means “forced.” It doesn’t. One person’s family knows someone they’d like their child to be with, they set up meetings/“dates,” and if they don’t like each other, they’re free to decline. So it isn’t forced. But you’ve got people you love—your family—helping you find someone.
My family isn’t helping me find someone. My mom thinks the right woman is going to fall from the sky someday. My dad thinks I should just stay single because women are trash and just want to take your money. And here I am, stuck here, wondering whether I should just keep swiping on Hinge and get a couple matches a year, or if I should just just interrupt some hottie at church like a creepo…
I’m about ready to give up. Maybe I’ll never be a husband, but I can be a dad and adopt some kid from India. I dunno. Maybe it’s worth a try. Or I could donate my sperm to a sperm bank. Or maybe both. 🤷♂ And to satisfy my sexual/romantic needs I can go back to watching porn and hiring professional cuddlers. Only half joking. It all just seems so futile.
The second committed relationship was more recent but still several years ago, and we met through a dating app. The relationship was serious/committed but didn’t last long…about six months.
So now here I am, post-COVID, getting closer to middle age. I know it’s politically incorrect these days, but I want a traditional marriage and children. I have no idea how to get that though. All the women my age either already have children, don’t want them, or biologically can’t have them without serious fertility risks…which limits my dating pool. It doesn’t help that I’m not a traditionally attractive man. I’m not ugly or anything, but I’m not particularly “manly,” rich, or ripped. I think I have a lot to offer…but I’m not sure how to prove that.
All my life, I was raised by a single mom. She taught me that “you’ll find someone someday” or “God will put someone in your life when you least expect it.” So that’s what I’ve been doing all my life. Sitting around and hoping that “the one” (I don’t believe in this concept BTW) will just pop up in my lap. Maybe I’ll fall asleep on the couch, then when I wake up, there will be this gorgeous woman making out with me? 😂 It’s all just such a passive approach.
Throughout my adult life, I’ve heard different approaches. The pastor at my church says we men should just ask out the single women at church. I don’t even know how that would work though. I usually sit with my roommate on Sunday. I guess I could sit by some single lady instead…if she felt comfortable with that. But how would this whole asking out thing work? Like we’re singing “Shout to the LORD, all the…hey, do you want to go to the bar after church?” Sounds awkward to me. But everything is awkward to me, so…
My therapist says I should make female friends and then the friendship can turn into a relationship. That’s how he met his wife. I’m not sure how that would work either though. It’s hard enough to make guy friends. Most of my male friends are either old school/college buddies, or I met them at church. They usually go somewhere and ask me if I want to join. This doesn’t happen much with women though. I haven’t really kept up with any of my old female friends from school, and they’ve all gotten married. And the single women at my church just kind of stick together. They’re a bit cliquey. And even if I do manage to make some good female friends…how would I turn that friendship into a relationship? Is there some switch I flip to make her see me as more than a friend?
I’ve been single for literally all of my 30s. My last relationship was in my 20s. While it doesn’t seem there really is a *good* way to date, it seems like the apps are the lesser of all the evils, simply because I can skip over all the phases of having to become friends first, be friends for a year, then decide if you want to turn it into more than friends, etc. So less wasted time. And with the apps, you don’t have to interrupt/harass women while they’re busy reading the Bible, working out, etc. We’re all there for the same reason…to date. But I get a match maybe once a month if I’m lucky. Then we go on a date and then she ghosts me.
I know desperation is a turnoff, but I don’t know how to NOT be desperate.
I feel like I just need an instruction manual with step by step instructions on how to find a girlfriend and eventual wife. Because everyone seems to have a different opinion. I just want a step 1, step 2, and this will work. Just like an installation guide that’s guaranteed to work or your money back.
Honestly I don’t think dating apps and hookup culture are the main problem here like many of the older folks say, although they certainly don’t help. I think 20th century dating is what complicated everything. The actual term “dating” is actually pretty new in a historical sense. Prior to the 20th century, marriage was more of a family matter. You weren’t just expected to go out into the wild and manage to capture someone’s attention. Families helped with matchmaking. They still do this in India—arranged marriage. Most Americans think this is oppressive and that “arranged” means “forced.” It doesn’t. One person’s family knows someone they’d like their child to be with, they set up meetings/“dates,” and if they don’t like each other, they’re free to decline. So it isn’t forced. But you’ve got people you love—your family—helping you find someone.
My family isn’t helping me find someone. My mom thinks the right woman is going to fall from the sky someday. My dad thinks I should just stay single because women are trash and just want to take your money. And here I am, stuck here, wondering whether I should just keep swiping on Hinge and get a couple matches a year, or if I should just just interrupt some hottie at church like a creepo…
I’m about ready to give up. Maybe I’ll never be a husband, but I can be a dad and adopt some kid from India. I dunno. Maybe it’s worth a try. Or I could donate my sperm to a sperm bank. Or maybe both. 🤷♂ And to satisfy my sexual/romantic needs I can go back to watching porn and hiring professional cuddlers. Only half joking. It all just seems so futile.
36-40, M
