BROKENgashu

Have done/tried these sites before. Never really takes or lasts for long. Thought I'd try one one more time. Hard for me to really connect or keep myself connected with people honestly. Don't know if I'm just one of those folks who belongs alone. I mean I like being slightly solitary, but, I don't think that's an awesome thing all the time. Just seems like I always end up in this state no matter how hard I've tried.

Here's a chunk of my story. Life for me has been a series of damaging and strange things since childhood. I was a weird but funny kid. I was always shy but still had friends. Things turned as I got older. Typical of the world, people got meaner and nastier-- even former friends turned on me and abandoned me. Some of the stuff that happened left me mentally traumatized and withdrawn. It wrecked my education life and made me so afraid I couldn't even go to school after a certain point. THEN the "law" got involved. They came after me and sentenced me to see some (dippy, doodly) psychologists. Golly what a useless pile of tripe that was. Didn't fix a thing. Just cost my parents money that they didn't have. The juvenile court also ended up giving me community service for refusing to go to school. That's right...you care about me and want to make me better...soooooooo... PUNISH ME MORE!!!!! Sadists.

All that mess caused pain and trouble for my parents. Not what I wanted but I couldn't fix it. I hated that I made my mom so sad that she cried. I can never completely forget. Dad...he just became angry at me and permanently disappointed. When he passed away in 1994 from respiratory failure, we still hadn't repaired that. I hate to say that I'm still pissed off at him today and feel guilt. Guilt because of what others did to me! Things became better over the years with mom fortunately. We're very close. My family "JOB" is basically living at her home and helping her. That's what I do and I'm happy I can do it. I owe her that and more. She's getting older and it's becoming heavier but I'm trying to stay strong.

All those things I mentioned had been the existing state of things for a long time. I'm in my 40s now (as of this writing) and my health has been...weird since 2016. First I had a strange numbness/weakness strike the RIGHT side of my body during the summer. Then, during the fall/winter a weird infection hit me. I had no insurance or money to get medical care mind you. Just dealt with them myself. THEN, THEN, THEN in 2017 the really bad thing struck. My body from my lower chest to my feet started swelling. Eventually got so bad that the N.P. at the "freeISH clinic" I'd found had to send me to St. Mary's hospital. I was so scared and in so much pain I couldn't refuse.

Doctors couldn't figure out what I had. The emergency room doc was making a confused/troubled face after some test results. Thought it was congestive heart failure but, "I was way too young and healthy." Needed to get probed and inspected I guess. I then got sent up to the heart department and I had NO heart issues. They checked me for infections and got strange results. Brought in their infectious disease expert and she was stumped. All they could seem to do is pump me full of broad spectrum antibiotics and Lasix (for the fluid swelling) and hope for the best. After a week of crap I got discharged with no answer as to what I'd had. Glad a special program covered the cost.

Not that you care but I want to finish the telling of recent events. Am just too tired to finish tonight. Will jump to 2019's stuff next. Another drama. I just want to dump it somewhere. Might as well be here. :) Probably won't bother, since no one cares. Well...good after death note I guess.