I Am Often At A Loss Of Words

I write in short words/phrases, then rearranged and expand. It’s difficult/time consuming to put thoughts/responses together coherently. (It comes to some so easy, takes everything for me to be decent). Even in giving my all, aways comes subpar/underwhelming. Have week’s worth of words. Can’t articulate, even into something decent. Can’t convey the devastation, lividity, hopelessness. Tried for 2 months. Like trying to scream with duct tape or with no mouth. Why even try for decent. Redundant, uncathartic garbage, from a waste of flesh. Struck self with a belt and fists, fractions of what I deserve, but more cathartic than anything I’ve tried to write can achieve. Skin would be pulled up with each strike if beaten properly, to the point I deserve. Can’t even do that right.