I Wonder If My Sanity Is An Illusion
Quiet Desperation........ I have come to a point of desperation. I am desperate...there is no other word for it. I'm desperate for support and understanding. My significant other suffers from DID...and it's really taking it's toll on me. Not the DID, itself, but the circumstances it affects. Our relationship is only a little over six months old, and I've only known about the DID for a few short weeks. Before that, there were many terrible things done by my SO, that would have made many people leave. But I've held on. I held on to the belief that he really does love me, that he will heal, and things will be better between us. But, now, I'm beginning to let go of those hopes.
I know I need to give him all the support he needs. DID is, after all, a defense mechanism to childhood trauma (and in his case, more than one trauma), and the people who struggle with this condition need to be supported , loved and understood. They have had to deal with circumstances so horrific, it made them splinter into different pieces in order to survive. In my SOs case, he knew something was wrong for a long time, but never knew about the DID before a few weeks ago. Since then, we have identified eight distinct personalities, some female, vying for control of my SO. He is seeking treatment and sees a therapist regularly, but though he says otherwise, neither of us believes the therapist "believes" in my SOs DID. It's my opinion that he will be treated for gender confusion, as that is one of the therapist's specialties, and my SO has an "internal twin" that he never wants to be integrated. He wants all three of us to coexist and share a relationship for the rest of our lives. I have taken his twin under my wing and tried to give her all I can. She's a very sweet, shy girl , who only wants to have a chance to be herself. Both he and she are bisexual, and both say they love me. And I am struggling to see how a relationship like this would possibly be what I need. He says he loves and needs me, but sometimes, I feel like the only reason he needs me here, is to let him do what he needs to do (dress as her and share time with her), while he merrily lives his life, with me giving him/her all I can. And many times, both of them take it as their due.
I try to be strong and make things easier on them, but I always seem to get my feelings hurt b/c of ingratitude. Yes, I know I need to make concessions for his situation, but what about my situation?? What about having to share the rest of my life with both a man and a woman who prefer to close their eyes and think their own thoughts than to share them with me? Am I asking too much?? I really don't think so. I'm not saying I do the things I do for praise, but it would be nice, if I wound up getting something more than stony silence. He says "it's not that i don't have anything to say to you, it's just that there is so much up there, I don't know how to start"....then minutes later says "Gee...I talked to you about the car, and we've talked a lot about the house...." , totally belying his first statement, and he doesn't even realize it. At this point, I'm just waiting for him to be able to admit that he neither loves nor needs me....when he gets the courage to live alone. Because, I think that's what our relationship is all about. A partner so he won't be lonely...one who will go along with the things he needs to do, as a survivor, and not disbelieve him....as many would do. Because without the "excuse" (no, I know it's not one, but many would say otherwise) of DID, he would be responsible for all the awful things he's done...and with it, there is no need..no responsibility. No one personality has done all the things done..and the worst things are done by an alter who never comes forth to take credit. I accept this..but...what does that do to my pain? It doesn't make it go away...it doesn't make me forget it..and the same face I'm talking to (no matter which alter is up front) is the same face that has said and done so many cruel things. It's very trying to keep them separate....and to maintain my sanity..which I'm not too sure, anymore, is not only an illusion.
I starve for attention..I crave tenderness, passion, intimacy. And I get none. I find myself waiting for him to go to bed, like now, and let the tears flow...as if I had a choice. They want to come all the time, but I try to keep them at bay most of the time, and stay in a halfway cheerful mood. But, damn it, I need taking care of and support, too! I am slowly giving up...and giving in. To hopelessness, to helplessness....to desperation. God, forgive me for my weakness.....
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I know I need to give him all the support he needs. DID is, after all, a defense mechanism to childhood trauma (and in his case, more than one trauma), and the people who struggle with this condition need to be supported , loved and understood. They have had to deal with circumstances so horrific, it made them splinter into different pieces in order to survive. In my SOs case, he knew something was wrong for a long time, but never knew about the DID before a few weeks ago. Since then, we have identified eight distinct personalities, some female, vying for control of my SO. He is seeking treatment and sees a therapist regularly, but though he says otherwise, neither of us believes the therapist "believes" in my SOs DID. It's my opinion that he will be treated for gender confusion, as that is one of the therapist's specialties, and my SO has an "internal twin" that he never wants to be integrated. He wants all three of us to coexist and share a relationship for the rest of our lives. I have taken his twin under my wing and tried to give her all I can. She's a very sweet, shy girl , who only wants to have a chance to be herself. Both he and she are bisexual, and both say they love me. And I am struggling to see how a relationship like this would possibly be what I need. He says he loves and needs me, but sometimes, I feel like the only reason he needs me here, is to let him do what he needs to do (dress as her and share time with her), while he merrily lives his life, with me giving him/her all I can. And many times, both of them take it as their due.
I try to be strong and make things easier on them, but I always seem to get my feelings hurt b/c of ingratitude. Yes, I know I need to make concessions for his situation, but what about my situation?? What about having to share the rest of my life with both a man and a woman who prefer to close their eyes and think their own thoughts than to share them with me? Am I asking too much?? I really don't think so. I'm not saying I do the things I do for praise, but it would be nice, if I wound up getting something more than stony silence. He says "it's not that i don't have anything to say to you, it's just that there is so much up there, I don't know how to start"....then minutes later says "Gee...I talked to you about the car, and we've talked a lot about the house...." , totally belying his first statement, and he doesn't even realize it. At this point, I'm just waiting for him to be able to admit that he neither loves nor needs me....when he gets the courage to live alone. Because, I think that's what our relationship is all about. A partner so he won't be lonely...one who will go along with the things he needs to do, as a survivor, and not disbelieve him....as many would do. Because without the "excuse" (no, I know it's not one, but many would say otherwise) of DID, he would be responsible for all the awful things he's done...and with it, there is no need..no responsibility. No one personality has done all the things done..and the worst things are done by an alter who never comes forth to take credit. I accept this..but...what does that do to my pain? It doesn't make it go away...it doesn't make me forget it..and the same face I'm talking to (no matter which alter is up front) is the same face that has said and done so many cruel things. It's very trying to keep them separate....and to maintain my sanity..which I'm not too sure, anymore, is not only an illusion.
I starve for attention..I crave tenderness, passion, intimacy. And I get none. I find myself waiting for him to go to bed, like now, and let the tears flow...as if I had a choice. They want to come all the time, but I try to keep them at bay most of the time, and stay in a halfway cheerful mood. But, damn it, I need taking care of and support, too! I am slowly giving up...and giving in. To hopelessness, to helplessness....to desperation. God, forgive me for my weakness.....
61-69, F
