I Have a Phobia

I have a phobia of falling in love romantically, or having crushes on other men other than my own husband....I just want to be faithful to my husband. I have a history of falling in love with other men, and it has always come to light for all to see. Truth is the only reason why I would ever attempt to love other men again is because I believe in brotherly love, I really do....But so far I have failed repeatedly at brotherly love and my heart goes astrey and I fantasize about something more and immediately my world always comes crashing down on me, and I feel condemned and am corrupted by the spirit of Jezebel who reeks havoc on my relationships until the nail has sealed my coffin shut. And I am left abandoned and broken hearted. That's where my phobia lies, deeply rooted in being exposed and abused and abandoned. And the truth is, is that is how it will always be for me, if I don't change my ways. Starting with my dreams, desires for romance and passion, rather than keeping it pure and innocently really careing about people for who they are.......And I am so depressed that this is the lesson God is teaching me.....Because it's a stronghold inside, and I want to lay it down I really do, I would much rather keep the person in my life and love on them forever than to go astrey and cross any lines, but what makes it even more difficult is the spirit of Jezebel, she won't stop until I sin and am shamed. I thought I could overcome her, but she won't stop until the relationship is destroyed and I'm left empty handed, then she leaves. And it's just me, here to pick up the shattered pieces. And then the spirit of life comes to save the day, encouraging me to continue in brotherly love, just as friends...but there is noone to be friends with. But I want what God wants, I really do. I want to love people for who they are, and for a really long time, in purity, but I am only human, I have my weaknesses if I'm attracted to you I know that I will eventually go astrey in thought, and that's all it takes being the light of the world, for all to see.....My wish to be touched, my desire to be held by a handsome man, and my dreadful fantasy's of passion get the best of me....I am doomed, and to be honest I am terrified of it happening again, and again, and again.......I could fall for a mere wish, or thought even if it's not black or white, it's the grey areas that I fear the most. a simple crush.....Why can't I love in purity? I am a happily married woman and I want to keep it that way....And I love people and wish I had more friends, but attractive men, tall dark and handsome men, are my weakness, and the spirit of Jezebel wants to destroy that....I had a family doctor once, and yes I thought he was very handsome but I wasn't insanely attracted to him, and truth is, that he was kindof boreing, so one night I decided in the secret places of my mind to have a fantasy about him, but my imagination got carried away, and I started getting uncomfortable with where my dreams were leading me into sin, and I begged God to forgive me, and I looked at my family doctor and I thought to myself, I don't want to think of my family doctor in that way, and I repented, but it was too late, the next week he had seen a movie inspired by my life and it was romantic, and he condemned me for it and I fell and became possessed by the spirit of Jezebel and many other demons.....I thought I could overcome this, and face my world and endure my demons until they left, and keep my family doctor, because I really liked him, and didn't want to see him go, because of a strey thought. But the spirit of Jezebel was relentless, and my family doctor turned on me, and then a group of undercovers exploited me, and brought in a psychic false prophet aka the demons mouthpiece...and my family doctor violated my seven year old son and hurt me and dropped me as a patient because the psychic made me out to be a promiscuous woman when I was not, the spirit of Jezebel is, and she was trying to corrupt me...Between the spirit of Jezebel and the false prophet I was fighting a losing battle, and I fought for two long years to be innocent by putting my heart into all of the right places by worshiping the Lord with all my strength and all my heart and soul, and loving my husband romantically, and loving my family doctor who hated me, like a brother, but at the end of my stength, I gave into the spirit of Jezebel, and sinned...And everybody found out, and I was ashamed, and my doctor dropped me as a patient....I was so defeated....and therefore developed these fears, these phobias of wrong desires coming to light for all to see, phobias of being stalked by a false prophet who causes everyone to hate me, phobias that people will fall because of the false prophet and her devilish half truths and lies at my expense........fears of giving into the spirit of Jezebel, it's all too much, more than one person can take, and the rejection sucks, and the shame......It's an all out satanic attack, who can win? That's why I am afraid of attractive men, fear of falling in love with them romantically, even if I don't act upon it when it comes to light for all to see in these movies, God takes that which is not like as if it were so, he makes something out of a mere desire and shows the object of my affections, and they are offended by that kind of love, because we are usually already in committed marriages....So I'm scared.