I Have a Son
Lucas wants me to let you know he says good night:). He hasn't been feeling well, nothing serious he's just been having a tummy ache the past couple of days, I'm thinking it may be a stomach bug but I'll find out tomorrow, other than that he's been pretty happy and he's been talking a little more, he's been calling me daddy lately. I really love that, did anyone else ever miss hearing the little voices saying mommy and daddy around the house as their kids grew older. I'm just saying to hear him call me daddy rather than dad, father and Nathan at times, yes he's called me by my first name in the past, I just love hearing it. I really want him to get better, but the god honest truth is I don't think he will. Not because he's incapable of it, that's not it at all, he's very strong and a fighter, I think he's permanently brain damaged and he's not going to be the same. It does break my heart to think about that, like he's going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life, I pray every night that I'm wrong. A lot of you have said this isn't my fault, but It is, I failed to see how depressed he was, I failed to stop him before he tried commiting suicide, I was the idiot who got my girlfriend pregnant when we were 16, we were way too young and yes it's my fault I failed so badly. I'm not trying to get sympathy or for anyone to tell me otherwise, I'm just getting stuff out of my system on here, I feel really bad and just need someone to rant a little.
At the same time I enjoy taking care of him again, I don't want to make it sound like I like him being in this kind of state cause like I've expressed up there I don't, I feel horrible for him and about it, but as long as he needs me to take care of him, I'm going to be there for him. I'm just saying it's like when he was a baby and needed me, then he grew up into the handsome young man he is, now he needs me again and the part of me that missed that loves being able to care for him again if that makes sense. He's my baby boy and I love him more than anything and he needed me for a long time and I didn't realize how bad until he tried killing himseif. I hate myself for that having to happen for me to realize how bad he needed me, but at the sane time it's not like I was out partying or having fun while he was growing up with my parents raising him, I was working two jobs at 18 till I was 28 to keep a roof over our head, to be able to feed him, clothe him, provide him with everything he needed, at 19 I Got my GED, so on top of everything I was going to school including college until I was 23, I mean I successfully did it all but I was so focused on making sure he had everything he needed that I forgot he needed me to be there too, instead of seeing me at five in the morning when I'd take him to daycare and 11 or later at night when I'd pick him up. I hope whati just explained makes sense, I don't regret working as hard as I did to be successful for him, I regret not being able to make time for him when he was growing up. Thanks for reading.
At the same time I enjoy taking care of him again, I don't want to make it sound like I like him being in this kind of state cause like I've expressed up there I don't, I feel horrible for him and about it, but as long as he needs me to take care of him, I'm going to be there for him. I'm just saying it's like when he was a baby and needed me, then he grew up into the handsome young man he is, now he needs me again and the part of me that missed that loves being able to care for him again if that makes sense. He's my baby boy and I love him more than anything and he needed me for a long time and I didn't realize how bad until he tried killing himseif. I hate myself for that having to happen for me to realize how bad he needed me, but at the sane time it's not like I was out partying or having fun while he was growing up with my parents raising him, I was working two jobs at 18 till I was 28 to keep a roof over our head, to be able to feed him, clothe him, provide him with everything he needed, at 19 I Got my GED, so on top of everything I was going to school including college until I was 23, I mean I successfully did it all but I was so focused on making sure he had everything he needed that I forgot he needed me to be there too, instead of seeing me at five in the morning when I'd take him to daycare and 11 or later at night when I'd pick him up. I hope whati just explained makes sense, I don't regret working as hard as I did to be successful for him, I regret not being able to make time for him when he was growing up. Thanks for reading.
36-40, M
