Dear You, 05/30/2021

Today is typical.
Today is just like every other day.
I miss you.
I wonder if you miss me too.
I doubt it.
I bet you're happy.
I know I wasn't always good for you.
I tried.
I tried to save you because I thought that maybe you needed saving.
You figured things out yourself.
I am proud of you.
I should have trusted you.

It's important that I tell myself that I'm happy for you.
I am selfish.
I am not happy for you.
I am jealous of her.
I wish it were me.
When you told me that you wanted me back..
I had hope.
The timing wasn't right. I knew you would use again.
I couldn't be the reason you stopped.
I couldn't be the one to watch you deteriorate.
All I wanted was for you to learn what you needed on your own.
I would never again tell myself I could save you.

Today the thought of suicide came across my mind.

The life I live with my son is a great one.
I would never leave him behind.
I sure wish I could live this life with you too.

I wonder if you'd care if I was gone.

My best friend died. May 1st, 2021. Her name is Nicole. When somebody dies, is it still considered their name or "was" it their name and now just a memory left to fade?

To you, am I just a memory left to fade?

Sometimes when my head becomes too loud I have to close my eyes and hold my ears tight.
I beg for these memories to stop.
They torment me.
Will these memories be the death of me?

Today, I want to cry.
I bet she's in your arms.
I wish it were me.

The yearning I feel for you eats at me.
Honestly. I can feel it.
When I think of you the thought catches in my throat. It turns in my stomach and begs for me to try one more time. I know that now, is not the right time. One Day, I will.

I will NEVER not think about you.