I Am Taking Back My Life
Since I was young my mums been putting me under pressure.
I used to have to remember people's birthdays and anniversaries and if I didn't remember she'd blame me and tell the person I didn't remind her.
She'd also take money from my piggy bank that my family would give at Xmas and birthdays and replace them with I. O. U's when I used to get up set and say I was saving for something she'd tell me I was silly and it was a frivolous choice of item to buy.
As I got older I stopped wanting to buy things for fun and enjoyment, I would research things and have to justify my reasoning for buying it to her.
When we watch TV or a film a week or so later she'd reference it then act like she forgot the name of it or a particular actor in the film, asking me who I was talking about, as a dumb kid I'd rush to find the answer without her really thinking.
I used to find she repeat topics and conversation with me. For example she'd suggest redecorating and she'd mention all the things she's seen and is going to buy the colour scheme, she'd literally get me on board excited for her, and she'd go on and on like this until it was say 4 years later and she's still harping on about the same thing, in less frequency but it comes up.
Now the tables have turned. She no longer has access to my money... Over a period of time I've witnessed her use a variety of tactics to gain access to it.
I no longer remind her of any celebration, she sometimes remembers them but still doesn't bother to send a card. And when she does she tells me a few days later that she sent a card to a family member (this is since I broke contact with my relatives)
I spend my money however I want she keeps harping on about most people your age can't afford the things you can (erm they buy designer I don't)
Or questions where my money is actually coming from.
It used to really upset me but I realise it was her way of making me feel guilty for enjoying my hard earned money.
Now when she wants to know the name of something or someone I tell her to give me as many descriptions possible because shes lazy and likes to give the minimum, she will more often then not give up, or insist I know who or what's she talking about, more often than not I do but I tell her to ask Google.
I've started repeating topics when I talk to her, I can repeat a situation pretty much everyday and I've noticed that she's started to behave how I used, mentally and emotionally drained.
To the point where she actually has to shut off from the world like I used to as a child.
You may read this and think omg what a bitch, what a bully, how cruel. But I've had the blinders taken off my eyes. And I have realised just how much control my mum had over my life.
These were all tactics to keep me in line and in check. She said she never wanted children but I'm now realising that to ensure she stayed with my father she had me.
He's not innocent because they both play their games.
But in this particular instance,
Shes been more or less telling me who she is all along.
A complete and utter control freak but she's is incredibly good at making herself seem like the victim.
When in reality she's been micromanaging and mentally messing with me my whole life...
I feel very very sorry for her. But i feel sorry for myself for not seeing her games before it was too late.
I am a nice and a good person, people may find my behaviour questionable at times but I can assure you in this particular case its to get her off my back.
When my dad was well she everything was about him,now he's disabled she has nothing to say, doesn't really want to see him...
Even though for years when she knew how things were between us she actually used it as ammo to keep attacking me.
Insulting my fashion choices, my passion for cooking or anything I took an interest in. When I started running it was about me potentially getting attacked...
I'm no longer her prisoner this is my life!
She had hers!
I used to have to remember people's birthdays and anniversaries and if I didn't remember she'd blame me and tell the person I didn't remind her.
She'd also take money from my piggy bank that my family would give at Xmas and birthdays and replace them with I. O. U's when I used to get up set and say I was saving for something she'd tell me I was silly and it was a frivolous choice of item to buy.
As I got older I stopped wanting to buy things for fun and enjoyment, I would research things and have to justify my reasoning for buying it to her.
When we watch TV or a film a week or so later she'd reference it then act like she forgot the name of it or a particular actor in the film, asking me who I was talking about, as a dumb kid I'd rush to find the answer without her really thinking.
I used to find she repeat topics and conversation with me. For example she'd suggest redecorating and she'd mention all the things she's seen and is going to buy the colour scheme, she'd literally get me on board excited for her, and she'd go on and on like this until it was say 4 years later and she's still harping on about the same thing, in less frequency but it comes up.
Now the tables have turned. She no longer has access to my money... Over a period of time I've witnessed her use a variety of tactics to gain access to it.
I no longer remind her of any celebration, she sometimes remembers them but still doesn't bother to send a card. And when she does she tells me a few days later that she sent a card to a family member (this is since I broke contact with my relatives)
I spend my money however I want she keeps harping on about most people your age can't afford the things you can (erm they buy designer I don't)
Or questions where my money is actually coming from.
It used to really upset me but I realise it was her way of making me feel guilty for enjoying my hard earned money.
Now when she wants to know the name of something or someone I tell her to give me as many descriptions possible because shes lazy and likes to give the minimum, she will more often then not give up, or insist I know who or what's she talking about, more often than not I do but I tell her to ask Google.
I've started repeating topics when I talk to her, I can repeat a situation pretty much everyday and I've noticed that she's started to behave how I used, mentally and emotionally drained.
To the point where she actually has to shut off from the world like I used to as a child.
You may read this and think omg what a bitch, what a bully, how cruel. But I've had the blinders taken off my eyes. And I have realised just how much control my mum had over my life.
These were all tactics to keep me in line and in check. She said she never wanted children but I'm now realising that to ensure she stayed with my father she had me.
He's not innocent because they both play their games.
But in this particular instance,
Shes been more or less telling me who she is all along.
A complete and utter control freak but she's is incredibly good at making herself seem like the victim.
When in reality she's been micromanaging and mentally messing with me my whole life...
I feel very very sorry for her. But i feel sorry for myself for not seeing her games before it was too late.
I am a nice and a good person, people may find my behaviour questionable at times but I can assure you in this particular case its to get her off my back.
When my dad was well she everything was about him,now he's disabled she has nothing to say, doesn't really want to see him...
Even though for years when she knew how things were between us she actually used it as ammo to keep attacking me.
Insulting my fashion choices, my passion for cooking or anything I took an interest in. When I started running it was about me potentially getting attacked...
I'm no longer her prisoner this is my life!
She had hers!