I Feel Like An Outcast In My Own Family
So just wanted to get some things out. I've always felt like the outcast in my family.
Born in a family with five siblings, all of whom seem to have at least made something of a life for themselves, while I'm still just trying to figure out where I want to be in life.
Most of them already have kids of their own, a place to call home, etc. Meanwhile, I haven't even found an apartment yet.
It makes me feel like a total failure to be honest at times, while I do help out with my family (especially financially when they need it) I just hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. I know I have bipolar disorder and struggle with depression. Which do make things harder to deal with each day, but I feel like they are just excuses.
It's not like I haven't tried to make a life for myself. I have, but things always fall apart when I do. Relationships, college, work. Whenever things start going well. They end.
Even now I feel like these are all excuses and I'm complaining for no reason. After a while though, I mean of pushing myself to be better, to get somewhere in life, just to fall flat on my face.
When is it ever enough? I feel like maybe it's too late to really make it anywhere, like I didn't try hard enough, like I should have been stronger... I just get in the way.
Why am I sharing this? I don't even know. I know there is no magical answer to life, I know I'm not the only one suffering hell a lot of people have it worse then me.
I just, I hate feeling like I was put together broken. I remeber my mother telling me she would have had another kid before I was born, but they didn't make it. Why did I have to be born instead of the sibling that didn't make it? Surely they would have been something and made something of their life. Unlike me.
Born in a family with five siblings, all of whom seem to have at least made something of a life for themselves, while I'm still just trying to figure out where I want to be in life.
Most of them already have kids of their own, a place to call home, etc. Meanwhile, I haven't even found an apartment yet.
It makes me feel like a total failure to be honest at times, while I do help out with my family (especially financially when they need it) I just hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. I know I have bipolar disorder and struggle with depression. Which do make things harder to deal with each day, but I feel like they are just excuses.
It's not like I haven't tried to make a life for myself. I have, but things always fall apart when I do. Relationships, college, work. Whenever things start going well. They end.
Even now I feel like these are all excuses and I'm complaining for no reason. After a while though, I mean of pushing myself to be better, to get somewhere in life, just to fall flat on my face.
When is it ever enough? I feel like maybe it's too late to really make it anywhere, like I didn't try hard enough, like I should have been stronger... I just get in the way.
Why am I sharing this? I don't even know. I know there is no magical answer to life, I know I'm not the only one suffering hell a lot of people have it worse then me.
I just, I hate feeling like I was put together broken. I remeber my mother telling me she would have had another kid before I was born, but they didn't make it. Why did I have to be born instead of the sibling that didn't make it? Surely they would have been something and made something of their life. Unlike me.
31-35, M
