I Cant Let Go, Cant Move On
It’s been years and I can’t move on. I’ve tried. One week I’ll be doing really good but then I always find myself falling back. It’s a consistent cycle.
People say time and time again not to apologize. It shows weakness and is self-deprecating. But I am sorry. To you, to myself, to my heart. I’m sorry that I can’t let you go.
I'm sorry for the nonchalant social media posts that you don't even know exist, let alone realize they are about you – the ones I know are about you and sometimes have a hard time admitting it to myself even. My mind going on autopilot - admittedly just imagining what a pleasure it would be to have your attention (even if only for a moment or two).
But Lord knows I made an effort to become a part of your life...I absolutely tried my damnedest to communicate my interest and even if I couldn't have you as a lover, some kind of a friendship with you would have been a blessing. But even though I was lonely and needed a friend, you wouldn't let me in the door (regardless of how often I came back to knock). Your heart belonged to someone else and it still does. And you ended up pushing me away with some very questionable behavior.
But even though you told me in your own words that you didn't believe our paths were meant to cross any further, I can't help feeling in my heart that someday (whether soon or in the distant future) you are going to wake up and realize you were wrong to ever think that.
I'm sorry that I think about you still and overanalyze every moment we shared together since the last time I saw you in person.
I'm sorry that I'm not 100% sure how to be your friend even though your type of presence is one I crave. You’ve got a kind heart and magnetic energy. You are real in a world being taken over by fake.
I'm sorry for not understanding how you could walk away even though the way we live our lives have so many similarities. I’m still baffled by some of it.
I'm sorry for not holding back more when you made me so at ease that my wall crumbled at your feet. I know I can be the king of TMI. Trust me, I know.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person you fell in love with. But then again, I don’t think you even know what type of guy that is.
I'm sorry that my timing was the absolute worst possible. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder what would have happened if we had met at a different time. And had that bozo you’ve been with since high school not gotten there first.
I'm sorry that I didn't meet you later in life.
I'm sorry for not moving on and bothering you as many times as I did.
I'm sorry for wanting to be around you so much even though I knew you wanted other people and things in your life (not me).
I’m sorry for being indecisive and not knowing where my future is headed. I'm sorry I couldn’t give you a five-year plan. But I did hope you'd be in it – I just didn't say anything.
But.
I'm not sorry about being me.
I'm not sorry for falling for you as hard as I did.
I'm not sorry for every smile and laugh of mine.
I'm not sorry for wanting to be around you.
I'm sorry about holding on but I'm not sorry about not forgetting about you entirely - you were something too special to just pass through someone’s mind and life.
People say time and time again not to apologize. It shows weakness and is self-deprecating. But I am sorry. To you, to myself, to my heart. I’m sorry that I can’t let you go.
I'm sorry for the nonchalant social media posts that you don't even know exist, let alone realize they are about you – the ones I know are about you and sometimes have a hard time admitting it to myself even. My mind going on autopilot - admittedly just imagining what a pleasure it would be to have your attention (even if only for a moment or two).
But Lord knows I made an effort to become a part of your life...I absolutely tried my damnedest to communicate my interest and even if I couldn't have you as a lover, some kind of a friendship with you would have been a blessing. But even though I was lonely and needed a friend, you wouldn't let me in the door (regardless of how often I came back to knock). Your heart belonged to someone else and it still does. And you ended up pushing me away with some very questionable behavior.
But even though you told me in your own words that you didn't believe our paths were meant to cross any further, I can't help feeling in my heart that someday (whether soon or in the distant future) you are going to wake up and realize you were wrong to ever think that.
I'm sorry that I think about you still and overanalyze every moment we shared together since the last time I saw you in person.
I'm sorry that I'm not 100% sure how to be your friend even though your type of presence is one I crave. You’ve got a kind heart and magnetic energy. You are real in a world being taken over by fake.
I'm sorry for not understanding how you could walk away even though the way we live our lives have so many similarities. I’m still baffled by some of it.
I'm sorry for not holding back more when you made me so at ease that my wall crumbled at your feet. I know I can be the king of TMI. Trust me, I know.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person you fell in love with. But then again, I don’t think you even know what type of guy that is.
I'm sorry that my timing was the absolute worst possible. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder what would have happened if we had met at a different time. And had that bozo you’ve been with since high school not gotten there first.
I'm sorry that I didn't meet you later in life.
I'm sorry for not moving on and bothering you as many times as I did.
I'm sorry for wanting to be around you so much even though I knew you wanted other people and things in your life (not me).
I’m sorry for being indecisive and not knowing where my future is headed. I'm sorry I couldn’t give you a five-year plan. But I did hope you'd be in it – I just didn't say anything.
But.
I'm not sorry about being me.
I'm not sorry for falling for you as hard as I did.
I'm not sorry for every smile and laugh of mine.
I'm not sorry for wanting to be around you.
I'm sorry about holding on but I'm not sorry about not forgetting about you entirely - you were something too special to just pass through someone’s mind and life.
26-30, M
