I Need to Get Something Off My Chest

Whenever I see or hear stories of people in fatal incidents or coming down with terminal illness, I always feel envious of the dead and dying. Every time. I know it's not healthy, but I always end up wishing it was me. I think of how all that tragedy could've have been avoided if I was the one that died instead. No one will have to mourn, no one will be left with a void, and I could finally end this useless struggle. It's a win/win the universe is too cruel to let happen.

Same thing with hostage situations. Anytime one of those pops in my head (don't ask why, I just think of those things), I'm always the hero. The one offering my life in exchange for someone else's. The one asking to have the guns focused on me.

I get that my life is just one that ultimately changes very little, but for one lucky group of people, they would get to keep their loved one while some poor nobody went in their place. I know I'll never get the chance to trade my life for someone else's, but the fantasy is still there. I absolutely would if I had the chance.

Not asking for feedback or anything. Just needed to get it off my chest. I think about this way too much