I Dont Like The Way My Brain Works And Thinks
It is too complicated and out of place, I don't see any meaning or point in experiencing it. Sometimes I wish I'm somebody else completely different from the one I am. I wish I could go back in time to be the person everyone love and have so much hope for I grew bitter from their expectations and see their hope as nothing but a burden.
Arrogance and pride became my closest friend, closest enemy.
I gained so much fake confidence from all of it. It's like a fire slowly engulfing my mind. What people see is only a part of me and its usually the bad part I'm showing. Every time they comfort me telling me, you have everything you could ever wish for I wanted to laugh in their faces. I wanted them to see what my mind is like for once but I couldn't because they're not bad people, none of them are bad.
When I was about 6 years-old the earliest memory I have was when I bought a puppet made of bamboos. I wanted so badly to impress the young girl sitting there with her basket I walked straight up to her and gave her money to buy it. But the moment I did not receive praise or look of approval I stomped my feet in front of her, the girl was looking up at me emotionless and said "Can you pick one?". I was angry without good reason.
I have always been this way ever since childhood I live for praises for attention for love because I feel hollow inside. I feel nothing but anger but fear but this desire to be free from my own mind.
I want to say sorry endlessly to everyone for everything I'd done and sorry isn't even remotely enough. Sorry doesn't make anything better, sorry is just a word then I make the same mistakes again. I wish this part of me that's all selfish would just die and become someone else.
Arrogance and pride became my closest friend, closest enemy.
I gained so much fake confidence from all of it. It's like a fire slowly engulfing my mind. What people see is only a part of me and its usually the bad part I'm showing. Every time they comfort me telling me, you have everything you could ever wish for I wanted to laugh in their faces. I wanted them to see what my mind is like for once but I couldn't because they're not bad people, none of them are bad.
When I was about 6 years-old the earliest memory I have was when I bought a puppet made of bamboos. I wanted so badly to impress the young girl sitting there with her basket I walked straight up to her and gave her money to buy it. But the moment I did not receive praise or look of approval I stomped my feet in front of her, the girl was looking up at me emotionless and said "Can you pick one?". I was angry without good reason.
I have always been this way ever since childhood I live for praises for attention for love because I feel hollow inside. I feel nothing but anger but fear but this desire to be free from my own mind.
I want to say sorry endlessly to everyone for everything I'd done and sorry isn't even remotely enough. Sorry doesn't make anything better, sorry is just a word then I make the same mistakes again. I wish this part of me that's all selfish would just die and become someone else.
