I Have Lost a Child

I dreamt of being a mom as far back as I can remember. My dad had decided I was going to college and I was going, but I wanted to be a mom too.

I can remember that I wanted twins. A boy and a girl. I had chosen their names. The little girl would have long blonde hair and the boy would be dark. I drew their bedrooms and thought how wonderful if it came true.
Imagine getting your dream…first, a little girl with long blonde hair, so perfect in every way and then 3 years later, a little boy. I couldn’t have chosen better children. I dreamt of a happy long life for both of them.

It was not to be. Both of my children had a rare disease….so rare, we were the only case in our entire state. To have a second child with this would be astronomical, the doctors said..but they were wrong. My son had the same problems too, but my daughter was far worse. My son lost his vision, but my daughter developed diabetes on top of everything else that was wrong.

Imagine being a single, young mother, scared but determined to keep my children alive. The only thing I had going for me was guts and determination and 2 children I dearly loved. I raised them alone. My ex-husband said this was all my fault and pretty much abandoned us.

Imagine hearing your daughter telling you that she doesn’t think she will live a long life. It brings tears to my eyes to remember her say that.

Then imagine getting the call no mother wants to hear…We regret to inform you…I didn’t know she was even in the hospital.

Imagine not being able to participate in making the arrangements except to write the obituary…under duress.

Imagine a grief so severe, you want to die. You see, when you have sick children, their lives become your life. I was lost.

Imagine that you lost everyone in 9 months. My daughter passed in Sept. 2007. In April, we lost all visitation rights to my granddaughters and in June, my son left for Europe. Although he speaks to me, we are far from close and was estranged for over 3 years. My youngest granddaughter's birthday is the day before her mommy's passing.

My sister asked why I was not bitter. First of all I was consumed in my grief. I lost 30 lbs. and almost lost my mind. I was in grief counselling for over 9 months. I believe in God and that there is a bigger picture we don’t see.

Every year, I place a memorial in the paper in her honor along with a picture of her. I celebrate her passing and I celebrate her life. In her memory, I am copying a poem that speaks to my heart.

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and hug you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,

But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past. "

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.