I Sometimes Feel Like I Have Nothing More To Give
Well, I've given a lot to this world. I've listened, I've observed, and I've fed back where I can to those who need to hear it. I haven't reached a tremendously wide audience, but I have given deep, meaningful support. I basically failed my degree, getting by in a stupid role doing something I was underqualified to do, in a team of underqualified people, in the best interests of nobody but the directors who needed a new Mercedes or boat.
I've volunteered in rural Africa, helping them keep their IT systems going and enabling them to direct more resources to the people who need them most.
I've loved people. A lot. I've given them such direction as they will probably never acknowledge or believe.
My direction is here. Giving to all of you who ask. This is my life - it always has been: giving. It goes unrewarded but for words of thanks, praise, things from the heart. Nothing monetary will ever come from it, and so I cannot contribute to raising our child (my fiance and I) should we marry.
What do I have left to give?
I am sick, my stomach is intolerant of lactose and peanuts at least - and I get a rash from the slightest sweat or contact with certain things. And Oreos make me retch.
My back is hunched from all those years without ergonomic furniture or belief in yoga.
I am in pain all over, and the one person who should be here for me simply wants me to earn money. I do too, but I need a bit of cheering up. I have no direction to head in. I believe that direction will come from here somehow, sometime. But it hasn't appeared yet.
I am almost wishing cancer upon myself, so I can justify spending my final months or whatever time I have supporting people here and die happily.
But the freedom I have before me, the choices I have to make, there's something deeeeeep down buried by all the fear and anxiety about feeding myself, that tells me life is better. I just don't know what to do with it yet. It's not fun yet. Maybe it will become so. Who knows?
I've volunteered in rural Africa, helping them keep their IT systems going and enabling them to direct more resources to the people who need them most.
I've loved people. A lot. I've given them such direction as they will probably never acknowledge or believe.
My direction is here. Giving to all of you who ask. This is my life - it always has been: giving. It goes unrewarded but for words of thanks, praise, things from the heart. Nothing monetary will ever come from it, and so I cannot contribute to raising our child (my fiance and I) should we marry.
What do I have left to give?
I am sick, my stomach is intolerant of lactose and peanuts at least - and I get a rash from the slightest sweat or contact with certain things. And Oreos make me retch.
My back is hunched from all those years without ergonomic furniture or belief in yoga.
I am in pain all over, and the one person who should be here for me simply wants me to earn money. I do too, but I need a bit of cheering up. I have no direction to head in. I believe that direction will come from here somehow, sometime. But it hasn't appeared yet.
I am almost wishing cancer upon myself, so I can justify spending my final months or whatever time I have supporting people here and die happily.
But the freedom I have before me, the choices I have to make, there's something deeeeeep down buried by all the fear and anxiety about feeding myself, that tells me life is better. I just don't know what to do with it yet. It's not fun yet. Maybe it will become so. Who knows?
36-40, M