I Feel Messed Up

I'm totally messed up.. I just feel so broken because of many reasons. I mean, i'm glad i got this far with becoming the girl i dream, but i feel like no one understands me sometimes at all.. Cause when i'm in public places, i hear tiny voices talking about me and questioning why do i dress like a girl and it's bad enough i have social anxiety from past trauma i reeaallly don't like talking about.. I barely found out about Pinterest because how where i'm at didn't have internet before, and i just hope some remedies to treat them and other issues do work. Even, sometimes i just feel like i don't get enough attention from people i really care about, so that makes me really lonely and i just end up becoming quiet and start crying when no one is around, and just want to run away where i won't be found to see if anyone will even realize i'm gone. Also people i thought were closest friends that said they'll be there ended up leaving and not heard from again, and i just wonder if family even realizes how badly i just need some kind of comfort or reassurance, or just also say that they love me and show me they really mean it somehow.. I barely have anything, and if some siblings and people i know wouldn't let me stay with them for the nights, i'd probably be living on the streets. How am i supposed to know what to do or who i am if i can't be as beautiful as i want? And isn't a girl supposed to feel beautiful and desired, not criticized and lonely.. In the midst of this Galaxy of Emotions, i'm like girls known as Shooting Stars named Star Butterfly and Mabel Pines, yet it sometimes hurts more cause i feel like people don't see that cause they think they can just judge a person at first glance and think they got them figured out already, hence those voices i hear, so they think i'm some gay guy which is so not what i am cause i'm so much of a cheerful girl.. I even think of how before i finally became this far as the girl i am, how being a guy is expected to be macho and so serious, that it was so stupid, it's just not me. Plus, i even try expressing how i feel on songs i made, and there's only 6 posted so far, but i wonder if i'm being heard.. A few years ago, I just thought by this time and year, i would be even more successful and as beautiful as i wanted by now.. i been feeling all these ways that when i'm laying faced down on my bed because of all the sadness, i just consider leaving even to a stupid mental health center or something by calling the crisis line... I just really need someone reliable like how Dipper is to Mabel and Marco is to Star, but also wonder if there is or not because how people even acted like the sky's falling because Trump became president and I thought we were better than that.