I Want to Die, I Have Nothing to Live For
I really need some serious deep breaths, and be prepared because this is the deepest and darkest shit I ever wrote because all I can see when is when I close my eyes is my skull fragments and what’s left of my fucked up brains splattered all over the wall.
I am truly sorry for keeping this from you all to because this is something I am far from proud of, I’m so ashamed of feeling this way but fuck!, you know what feels worse than being sad all the time? Felling strong anger and self resentment to the point where if I delay ending it the more of the person I am now will be lost anyway and some sick fuck of a horrible person like my inner demon will take over my body, push my soul away and I’ll end up something I refuse to allow myself to be, so in a way ill be doing the world a favour if I off.
It’s ok I’m still here, because I’m bleeding my eyes out crying and shit scared as I’m writing this, shit scared? Because I’m in fear of someone that has given me no where to run to and nowhere to hide to. One can’t really run from their inner demon can they? Because no matter how fast I run and no matter how good I hide, that demon that wants to watch me burn to ash is always there inside me. I’m starting to hear it’s voices “DO IT YOU WORTHLESS GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF SHIT, SOAK AND SPARK, ITS THAT EASY! JUST DO IT YOU WORTHLESS CUNT! “
This week I have had tell tale signs that are making my inner demon to tell me to do it,
I have well got conned into something that would of earned me a quick buck 6 years ago and the fucker that set it up for me which i never got paid for anyway, let’s say I’m scared, it has bitten me in the atse and I’m scared that it could land me knee deep in shit and fuck the rest of my life, and every time I think about this guy, well let’s say homicidal thoughts.
Oh my ficking god! Listen, to me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 18 and I promised myself I would make sure I am dead and died painfully before I get into this frame of mind again and right now nothing sounds more pleasant than soaking myself with 20 litres of petrol, plus another 600mls worth to swallow before I light a match and just burn to a bloody crisp to the fucking bones.
I’m getting shivers thinking about that, and I don’t know wether they are shivers of fear or the excitement of finally getting it done.
I think the wonderful person that you knew of me and claimed me as is now dead and gone forever, maybe with enough strength to make sure I am dead and gone before I lose the person I am and finish the job,and let my soul be lost forever.
I am truly sorry for keeping this from you all to because this is something I am far from proud of, I’m so ashamed of feeling this way but fuck!, you know what feels worse than being sad all the time? Felling strong anger and self resentment to the point where if I delay ending it the more of the person I am now will be lost anyway and some sick fuck of a horrible person like my inner demon will take over my body, push my soul away and I’ll end up something I refuse to allow myself to be, so in a way ill be doing the world a favour if I off.
It’s ok I’m still here, because I’m bleeding my eyes out crying and shit scared as I’m writing this, shit scared? Because I’m in fear of someone that has given me no where to run to and nowhere to hide to. One can’t really run from their inner demon can they? Because no matter how fast I run and no matter how good I hide, that demon that wants to watch me burn to ash is always there inside me. I’m starting to hear it’s voices “DO IT YOU WORTHLESS GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF SHIT, SOAK AND SPARK, ITS THAT EASY! JUST DO IT YOU WORTHLESS CUNT! “
This week I have had tell tale signs that are making my inner demon to tell me to do it,
I have well got conned into something that would of earned me a quick buck 6 years ago and the fucker that set it up for me which i never got paid for anyway, let’s say I’m scared, it has bitten me in the atse and I’m scared that it could land me knee deep in shit and fuck the rest of my life, and every time I think about this guy, well let’s say homicidal thoughts.
Oh my ficking god! Listen, to me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 18 and I promised myself I would make sure I am dead and died painfully before I get into this frame of mind again and right now nothing sounds more pleasant than soaking myself with 20 litres of petrol, plus another 600mls worth to swallow before I light a match and just burn to a bloody crisp to the fucking bones.
I’m getting shivers thinking about that, and I don’t know wether they are shivers of fear or the excitement of finally getting it done.
I think the wonderful person that you knew of me and claimed me as is now dead and gone forever, maybe with enough strength to make sure I am dead and gone before I lose the person I am and finish the job,and let my soul be lost forever.
