I Have Something to Say and I Want to Be Heard

I think I had an "epiphany" or a "breakthrough" recently. Or at least a series of them. I feel different than I've felt in years. I feel like I have real emotions again. It's overwhelming. And frightening because my life is a disaster. But maybe I can start to put it together? Why was I the way I was and why the sudden and seemingly overnight return of all the things I've been suppressing, running from, or just lacking due to the crippling depression, for so many years now? Is it the autism? The order and certainty of my internal world where everything can be calculated and understood?

Yea that makes no sense to me either. All I can say is I'm happy and all twisted up at the same time. But at least I didn't end up setting myself on fire like I planned to for so long. Maybe last week was as close as I'll get for a few more years? Hell I hope so. That'd be a pretty big weight off my shoulders.