I Don't Know What to Do
I am 26 years married. Try to be a good wife. I am loyal to a fault. I am no longer getting what I need from the relationship. I care for him. It is like starving in an empty kitchen.
51-55, F
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tjw747 · 61-69, M
No, I prefer you not do that - just "accept your lot in life". PLEASE - get some counseling! And here is a major clue for finding someone good: If their schedule is WIDE OPEN - can see you ANY time - that is a BAD sign. The good ones are very busy, and you will have to wait a while to get in.
I think the problem truly is that you have been submissive for far too long, and thus you know very little about being ASSERTIVE - that is, calmly voicing your needs. Of course your husband is defensive - but perhaps to get his attention, you might consider taking a trip, by yourself - or go and visit someone reasonably far away. The longer you are gone, he will begin realizing what life WOULD be like if you were not there. I suspect it would get quite difficult for him. Bottom line, you need to get his attention - and that is one way of doing it. Because if you continue to ignore your own needs like this - one day it'll suddenly erupt in you, and you might find yourself doing someone quite unexpectedly, perhaps an affair. You see suppressing your feelings only causes them to grow. It's sort of like burying a worm. It just crawls around, and pops up somewhere else, and stronger. You MUST FIND A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS. Yes, it will be painful. I have a suggestion for you that will help you to face the fear & uncertainty regarding this crisis: Read the book, "Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway", by Susan Jeffers. That book has been a MAJOR life changer for me.
You see, I only left my marriage after I KNEW it would be hopeless. She refused counseling. WE had a next to non-existent sex life, and for MOST of my marriage my greatest fantasy - by far - was wondering what it would be like to make love with someone who WANTED to really be with me! Only when I gave it all that I had - only then was I able to walk away with a clear conscience.
Your husband is quite used to the submissive you, and has been trained in this for some 26 years now. So it's not going to be easy, but the bottom line is that you are dying inside. And if he cares at all, he wouldn't want that to happen with a woman he is supposed to love. It took a long time to get where you are, and it will take a while to change it (not nearly as long, fortunately). So do some reading, and LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Because by NOT doing so, you are serving as a (destructive) role model to any daughters you may have, as they will quite subconsciously emulate your behavior...
God bless, - will pray for you..
I think the problem truly is that you have been submissive for far too long, and thus you know very little about being ASSERTIVE - that is, calmly voicing your needs. Of course your husband is defensive - but perhaps to get his attention, you might consider taking a trip, by yourself - or go and visit someone reasonably far away. The longer you are gone, he will begin realizing what life WOULD be like if you were not there. I suspect it would get quite difficult for him. Bottom line, you need to get his attention - and that is one way of doing it. Because if you continue to ignore your own needs like this - one day it'll suddenly erupt in you, and you might find yourself doing someone quite unexpectedly, perhaps an affair. You see suppressing your feelings only causes them to grow. It's sort of like burying a worm. It just crawls around, and pops up somewhere else, and stronger. You MUST FIND A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS. Yes, it will be painful. I have a suggestion for you that will help you to face the fear & uncertainty regarding this crisis: Read the book, "Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway", by Susan Jeffers. That book has been a MAJOR life changer for me.
You see, I only left my marriage after I KNEW it would be hopeless. She refused counseling. WE had a next to non-existent sex life, and for MOST of my marriage my greatest fantasy - by far - was wondering what it would be like to make love with someone who WANTED to really be with me! Only when I gave it all that I had - only then was I able to walk away with a clear conscience.
Your husband is quite used to the submissive you, and has been trained in this for some 26 years now. So it's not going to be easy, but the bottom line is that you are dying inside. And if he cares at all, he wouldn't want that to happen with a woman he is supposed to love. It took a long time to get where you are, and it will take a while to change it (not nearly as long, fortunately). So do some reading, and LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Because by NOT doing so, you are serving as a (destructive) role model to any daughters you may have, as they will quite subconsciously emulate your behavior...
God bless, - will pray for you..