I Have An Emotional Disconnection
Well, I ran. I ran and I ran and I ran. My life has drawn me into the world of therapy, of a few different kinds, and ideas - ideas of enlightenment. It began with yoga. My Uncle was a yoga teacher in the small village of La Calera, in the mountains to the South of Bogota, Colombia. I began with Youtube, Yoga with Adriene is a heroine of mine. Since then life has accelerated my learning towards the Eternal Truth that all things are of love and of light - and the remainder is illusion cast by our own creative power. All lifetimes are present now - saplings of trees, to mayfly larvae developing into mayflies living <24hrs, and planets and stars. All angles are also present, they may come in different temporary forms (bodies, etc.) but the energies are all ever-present somewhere in the whole.
This path has led me (I should not really be surprised) to my heroine. The lady who made my life choices and stuck by them - maybe she diverted sometimes and went wrong, but my God is she powerful and bright.
My challenge has always been self acceptance, and acceptance of others. Eckhart Tolle said something of this in his notion that we must accept the now - we cannot argue with it, because it is. If we argue with what is now we can never find happiness or peace because we are engaged in futile attack. A Course in Miracles also states that to attack one (no matter how small) part of the whole is in fact to attack the whole, because we are judging both to be unequal and therefore perceiving both wrongly. And, ultimately, this is an attack on the self.
Now here I find myself presented with the girl of my dreams, yet I consider myself dramatically unworthy. I chose to ignore my heart and gut, leaving me stressed out regularly, with gut health issues and back pain, a very wonky spine through decades of sitting wrong, and so on. I glance over opinions of today, assimilating what I choose but based on very little evidence. It usually comes from reliable sources, with video evidence which you could say is reasonable evidence... But I headline-skip, nonetheless. She reads peer-reviewed literature on topics she is passionate about, and teaches what she learns between various hours of her day, writing her own summaries and sharing the original during that time she feels it is right to do so. I like and share, with an occasional added angle from me.
We met at a painting for therapy session, and she was drawn to my work. I painted my dream life, since a few days before the workshop, I was invited to uncover it for myself and really dive into it - then that lady invited me to paint it. Then, up came a painting for process workshop - and I had to be there. I painted something not dissimilar to her dream life: she openly exclaimed she wanted to be a part of my dream life. What she failed to realise is, she virtually is. All she needs is a river and a forest. She already knows much of the human lessons there are to teach, and spends mornings moving with breath followed by meditation. She creates, teaches and simultaneously learns lessons of love and light all day, resting (maybe not so easily sometimes) at the end of the day in gratitude for new experiences and light. All that's missing is a swim in the river and a venue in a forest for her teachings and learnings.
For me, I'm missing the morning swim, the meditation, the teaching and learning creations and the resting easy.
So, SW, how do I see this lady in front of me, star of wonder, angel of light - and truly believe I am equal to her? How can I possibly accept that, and treat her (and myself) as such?
What should I do from here, given the disconnect between myself and my current partner of 10 years, leading to missed opportunities for connection, and total void of intimacy? We had a wonderful evening last night and then we got home and she demanded I went upstairs immediately - but I was unloading the washing machine and didn't hear her. She was grumpy, and I instantly allowed my vibration to drop down, way way below hers. I collapsed completely to what I felt like was the zero-point field, dipping in and out of existence. In short, I was miserable. This morning felt similar, and now is the same. We were both supposed to go to a yoga class outdoors this morning, but we tried a yoga routine together last week and it turns out she hasn't practiced at all. The teacher is quite nervous about new people anyway (never know what issues they will bring) and this was her first outdoor session so she wanted old hands only. So, I suggested she not go, and went myself. Turns out her friends went wild swimming (which my OH loves), and she missed out because she was meant to be at yoga. Now, they are cycling together and I am home - and the disconnect instantly brought back an addiction I haven't touched for months, since all this connection (the opposite of addiction) happened. It was not so strong this time, but .. I noticed, knew, and lost a couple of hours of my life to it. Now, here I am, asking the Universe what to do next.
Is it possible that a more dream-life exists for me? Dream-girl is also a writer, into poetry. She holds therapeutic writing courses in town, and having seen some of her work, I will go. It will benefit me no end, to write again - and with guidance from someone who knows the language so beautifully. I miss it.
Now, I will write in gratitude, though my heart's not in it, and try to move forward with today. My back is hunched over as I write this, as my is heart heavily laden with the burden of knowing my disconnect. I do not have anyone around me who I can talk to about dream-girl safely, and explore my feelings. And, I cannot do it alone either. So they sit, a big ball of emotion, inside and around my heart. I do hope someone out there replies.
Good Day SW, and thank you for being a place I can at least write this - even if people do only click 'like' and nothing more. I invite you to reply with anything that comes up for you as you read it, even if only that it's confusing. My writings usually are because there's too much to say in too little time.
This path has led me (I should not really be surprised) to my heroine. The lady who made my life choices and stuck by them - maybe she diverted sometimes and went wrong, but my God is she powerful and bright.
My challenge has always been self acceptance, and acceptance of others. Eckhart Tolle said something of this in his notion that we must accept the now - we cannot argue with it, because it is. If we argue with what is now we can never find happiness or peace because we are engaged in futile attack. A Course in Miracles also states that to attack one (no matter how small) part of the whole is in fact to attack the whole, because we are judging both to be unequal and therefore perceiving both wrongly. And, ultimately, this is an attack on the self.
Now here I find myself presented with the girl of my dreams, yet I consider myself dramatically unworthy. I chose to ignore my heart and gut, leaving me stressed out regularly, with gut health issues and back pain, a very wonky spine through decades of sitting wrong, and so on. I glance over opinions of today, assimilating what I choose but based on very little evidence. It usually comes from reliable sources, with video evidence which you could say is reasonable evidence... But I headline-skip, nonetheless. She reads peer-reviewed literature on topics she is passionate about, and teaches what she learns between various hours of her day, writing her own summaries and sharing the original during that time she feels it is right to do so. I like and share, with an occasional added angle from me.
We met at a painting for therapy session, and she was drawn to my work. I painted my dream life, since a few days before the workshop, I was invited to uncover it for myself and really dive into it - then that lady invited me to paint it. Then, up came a painting for process workshop - and I had to be there. I painted something not dissimilar to her dream life: she openly exclaimed she wanted to be a part of my dream life. What she failed to realise is, she virtually is. All she needs is a river and a forest. She already knows much of the human lessons there are to teach, and spends mornings moving with breath followed by meditation. She creates, teaches and simultaneously learns lessons of love and light all day, resting (maybe not so easily sometimes) at the end of the day in gratitude for new experiences and light. All that's missing is a swim in the river and a venue in a forest for her teachings and learnings.
For me, I'm missing the morning swim, the meditation, the teaching and learning creations and the resting easy.
So, SW, how do I see this lady in front of me, star of wonder, angel of light - and truly believe I am equal to her? How can I possibly accept that, and treat her (and myself) as such?
What should I do from here, given the disconnect between myself and my current partner of 10 years, leading to missed opportunities for connection, and total void of intimacy? We had a wonderful evening last night and then we got home and she demanded I went upstairs immediately - but I was unloading the washing machine and didn't hear her. She was grumpy, and I instantly allowed my vibration to drop down, way way below hers. I collapsed completely to what I felt like was the zero-point field, dipping in and out of existence. In short, I was miserable. This morning felt similar, and now is the same. We were both supposed to go to a yoga class outdoors this morning, but we tried a yoga routine together last week and it turns out she hasn't practiced at all. The teacher is quite nervous about new people anyway (never know what issues they will bring) and this was her first outdoor session so she wanted old hands only. So, I suggested she not go, and went myself. Turns out her friends went wild swimming (which my OH loves), and she missed out because she was meant to be at yoga. Now, they are cycling together and I am home - and the disconnect instantly brought back an addiction I haven't touched for months, since all this connection (the opposite of addiction) happened. It was not so strong this time, but .. I noticed, knew, and lost a couple of hours of my life to it. Now, here I am, asking the Universe what to do next.
Is it possible that a more dream-life exists for me? Dream-girl is also a writer, into poetry. She holds therapeutic writing courses in town, and having seen some of her work, I will go. It will benefit me no end, to write again - and with guidance from someone who knows the language so beautifully. I miss it.
Now, I will write in gratitude, though my heart's not in it, and try to move forward with today. My back is hunched over as I write this, as my is heart heavily laden with the burden of knowing my disconnect. I do not have anyone around me who I can talk to about dream-girl safely, and explore my feelings. And, I cannot do it alone either. So they sit, a big ball of emotion, inside and around my heart. I do hope someone out there replies.
Good Day SW, and thank you for being a place I can at least write this - even if people do only click 'like' and nothing more. I invite you to reply with anything that comes up for you as you read it, even if only that it's confusing. My writings usually are because there's too much to say in too little time.
36-40, M