I'm Sorry

I'm sorry that I don't talk. Sometimes I realize I might be making a friend and that makes me want to run and hide my self under a rock. I want to be close to my family and the people around but when I feel we are getting close I feel the need to break the mood stop the growth and find a reason to leave. If not they would get inside and see all the scars I inflicted on myself. gaining friends just to lose them once they find out what type of person you are? Or would I rather just never have any friends?

Im sorry because I want to have friends but Im scared of myself and how people will react to me. They intricacies of a real friendship are so long gone to me. That as I walk down the street I see others hanging out with people and think "oh, thats what friends do?". Then again I think maybe its just that I don't want to do what most friends do nowadays.

No one wants to spend a day at the arcade, or cook together instead of going out to eat, play old video games, go on bike rides. I don't want to go to parties just to hear sweet nothings whispered into my ears. I don't want to go bowling and mingle and find a way out of being single. I don't want to drink, or smoke. Most times I don't want to go to work or school, or even talk. Half the time I think I know what I want but when the chance comes for me to obtain exactly what I thought i wanted, I run. Is it a fear of being content? Or maybe more of a fear of gaining happiness and then losing it all too soon. I feel I can't even understand my feelings.

I want someone to listen but I want no one to listen. I want pizza but then I don't want pizza. I want people to notice but then I don't want people to notice. I want a compliment but then I hate when people give me compliments. I want him to love me, but then I want him to be indifferent to me. I want to be with my family but then I want to be as far away from them as possible. I want to live but then I always want to die. I dont even know what I want. i feel like im on auto pilot right now...This is why I can't have any meaningful relationships...

lovelywarpedlemon

[i]"No one wants to spend a day at the arcade, or cook together instead of going out to eat, play old video games, go on bike rides." [/i]

That sounds like fun!! But I am kind of an odd one to find. :)
You'll find someone eventually, maybe online, or maybe at the grocery store, or anywhere, and it could turn into something. You never know! I wasn't looking for someone, but he found me. We're best friends now, and looking to move in together, and just six months ago I didn't have this!

I know you're not asking for advice, but maybe I could help you some... It's nice to be able to be 100% honest online, with relative anonymity. Maybe that would help you break out of your shell and learn about yourself a bit; it did help me immensely when I joined EP and was on there a few years until the site's end. I spent many hours writing many paragraphs and interacting with people. Your writing here is very self-constructive, whether or not you recognize that now, and I think you have a good chance of making friends here if you're really genuine and give a few someones a try.

You're not alone, I've had similar feelings, too, and I never thought I would find someone, but I did... Best wishes to you!

lovelywarpedlemon

@Lacrimosa: I'm glad I could offer you that. I know how difficult it can be, being alone. You're recognized here. I hope you keep writing.