I Want You to Write Letters to Those Who Have Hurt You
Domestic Violence with Some Twists... Several years ago, I was suddenly assaulted by the husband of my wife's older sister. There was no alcohol involved, nor was there any prior exchange of angry words. My wife and daughter witnessed the start of the assault, as did his wife. These 3 women did nothing at all to prevent the assault. They showed no shock or dismay or surprise of any kind. I wrote two letters to my sister in law laying out how I had been wronged. No reply or acknowledgement. This month I wrote to the man who assaulted me. Last year, the son of the man who assaulted me got married. My wife and children were invited, but I was not. I wrote to the bride asking why I was not invited; she has not replied.
Years ago, my sister assaulted my wife while my wife was busy giving first aid to our 18 month old daughter. I broke up that assault and my wife fled my sister's house carrying our daughter. My sister then picked me up and threw me out on her front porch. 9 months later, I told my mother that this incident was deeply traumatic for me. "But your sister apologised." "Sorry, Mom, she hasn't." "I don't believe you." "Sorry, it's the truth." Three months later, my wife and I received a 50 word apology that struck me as mechanical and insincere. Do you agree that my sister wrote that apology only because her arm was twisted by our mother? Shortly after the incident described in the previous paragraph, my sister sent me a series of Emails revealing that she believed that the second assault proved that my inlaws did not deserve any respect, and released her from all guilt about the first assault. Further evidence that the apology she made years earlier was insincere.
Three years later, I was a guest in my sister's house for the first time since she assaulted my wife. Within 24 hours of my arriving, she suddenly whips her cellphone out of her pocket, rings the police, and asks them to escort me out of her house. I left pronto of course. What my sister did here was extremely dangerous, because when a woman in her late 50s calls the authorities claiming trespass, the authorities are compelled to take that very seriously and tend to believe her. I don't think I could win the resulting "he said, she said" battle with the authorities.
I have yet to tell my sister what I think of her behaviour.
My sister will be, rightly, the mistress of ceremonies at our mother's eventual funeral. I cannot attend that funeral because I do not trust my sister not to do something terrible to me. If a woman whose mother has just died rings the police to complain about the behaviour of a houseguest or someone attending the funeral, the authorities will bend over backwards out of elementary sympathy.
My wife has yet to explain why she showed no surprise when our brother in law assaulted me. In fact, she denies that an assault took place. The law is clear: any unwanted physical contact, any coercion, is an assault.
The man who assaulted me has two adult children who graduated from university. I paid about half of their fees. When both of these children bought their first houses, I contributed a substantial sum to the down payment. I did this in part because my niece and nephew had been my heirs when I was childless. My niece and her spouse thanked me warmly. My nephew barely thanked me at all. His spouse has yet to thank me in any way. His parents have been resolutely silent about what I did to facilitate their children buying their first houses.
When I laid out these issues to a counselor, he simply said "your family has terrible issues that are beyond my understanding." When I raised these issues with a series of marriage counselors, they were all evasive. Because my story does not fit into the prevailing "Duluth model" of family conflict, which assumes that men are invariably to blame.
After 3 years, the man who assaulted me wrote me. He did not admit to any wrongdoing, nor did he apologise for anything. He wrote only to say that he did not want to frighten me, without admitting that I had every right to be terrified by his violent behaviour. I am convinced that he also wrote because he feared that I would veto my daughter's attending his son's wedding, which I did not do. With that wedding behind us, will I ever hear from him again?
One admission of wrongdoing I never expect to get is from my sister in law, who has a PhD in social science. The people she mixes with professionally and socially are all 20th century victim feminists, an attitude that is as natural to them as breathing. When her husband began assaulting me, she said nothing and showed no surprise whatsoever. Instead, she looked me straight in the eye with a smirk that said: "you are a bastard and are getting what you richly deserve." I will never forget that look for as long as I live -- my own sister in law threw me to the wolves. I now believe that my brother in law was a marionette doing her bidding.
Reflecting on this incident has led me to discover the growing internet community of anti-feminists and to agree with a fair bit of it. The most eloquent anti-feminists, BTW, are women.
Years ago, my sister assaulted my wife while my wife was busy giving first aid to our 18 month old daughter. I broke up that assault and my wife fled my sister's house carrying our daughter. My sister then picked me up and threw me out on her front porch. 9 months later, I told my mother that this incident was deeply traumatic for me. "But your sister apologised." "Sorry, Mom, she hasn't." "I don't believe you." "Sorry, it's the truth." Three months later, my wife and I received a 50 word apology that struck me as mechanical and insincere. Do you agree that my sister wrote that apology only because her arm was twisted by our mother? Shortly after the incident described in the previous paragraph, my sister sent me a series of Emails revealing that she believed that the second assault proved that my inlaws did not deserve any respect, and released her from all guilt about the first assault. Further evidence that the apology she made years earlier was insincere.
Three years later, I was a guest in my sister's house for the first time since she assaulted my wife. Within 24 hours of my arriving, she suddenly whips her cellphone out of her pocket, rings the police, and asks them to escort me out of her house. I left pronto of course. What my sister did here was extremely dangerous, because when a woman in her late 50s calls the authorities claiming trespass, the authorities are compelled to take that very seriously and tend to believe her. I don't think I could win the resulting "he said, she said" battle with the authorities.
I have yet to tell my sister what I think of her behaviour.
My sister will be, rightly, the mistress of ceremonies at our mother's eventual funeral. I cannot attend that funeral because I do not trust my sister not to do something terrible to me. If a woman whose mother has just died rings the police to complain about the behaviour of a houseguest or someone attending the funeral, the authorities will bend over backwards out of elementary sympathy.
My wife has yet to explain why she showed no surprise when our brother in law assaulted me. In fact, she denies that an assault took place. The law is clear: any unwanted physical contact, any coercion, is an assault.
The man who assaulted me has two adult children who graduated from university. I paid about half of their fees. When both of these children bought their first houses, I contributed a substantial sum to the down payment. I did this in part because my niece and nephew had been my heirs when I was childless. My niece and her spouse thanked me warmly. My nephew barely thanked me at all. His spouse has yet to thank me in any way. His parents have been resolutely silent about what I did to facilitate their children buying their first houses.
When I laid out these issues to a counselor, he simply said "your family has terrible issues that are beyond my understanding." When I raised these issues with a series of marriage counselors, they were all evasive. Because my story does not fit into the prevailing "Duluth model" of family conflict, which assumes that men are invariably to blame.
After 3 years, the man who assaulted me wrote me. He did not admit to any wrongdoing, nor did he apologise for anything. He wrote only to say that he did not want to frighten me, without admitting that I had every right to be terrified by his violent behaviour. I am convinced that he also wrote because he feared that I would veto my daughter's attending his son's wedding, which I did not do. With that wedding behind us, will I ever hear from him again?
One admission of wrongdoing I never expect to get is from my sister in law, who has a PhD in social science. The people she mixes with professionally and socially are all 20th century victim feminists, an attitude that is as natural to them as breathing. When her husband began assaulting me, she said nothing and showed no surprise whatsoever. Instead, she looked me straight in the eye with a smirk that said: "you are a bastard and are getting what you richly deserve." I will never forget that look for as long as I live -- my own sister in law threw me to the wolves. I now believe that my brother in law was a marionette doing her bidding.
Reflecting on this incident has led me to discover the growing internet community of anti-feminists and to agree with a fair bit of it. The most eloquent anti-feminists, BTW, are women.
70-79, M