I Am Not Who I Once Was
It has been four and a half years since I left my husband. He's getting married this weekend. Isn't that great? I say to those who ask that I am very happy about this fact, the truth is that I am indifferent.
He's not my problem any longer. We barely communicate except for brief text messages about our son. We have two older daughters together as well, he doesn't talk to me about them at all. He's good to our son, but with the girls (women now) he has a troubled relationship. He treats them the same way he was with me when we were married. He's either really good to them and generous or mean spirited for no reason.
He's easily offended and you never know which side of him you will get. When we were married, I used to think I could manage it, until it got out of control. I hate to admit it but when one of the girls would be the ob<x>ject of his hatred, I would be relieved, at first. It would become unbearable. So when smoothing things over stopped working I would just make him mad at me to give them a break.
Not exactly 'mother-of-the-year' material, but you do what you can to get by. It eventually got physical. If you look at him, you would think he couldn't harm anyone. We were the same size and I could probably run faster than him but he had me convinced and fearful. You just sort of take things that you never expected that you would. He was my husband and I wasn't exactly perfect either.
We were married 22 years and I knew him. I loved him. We had many good years together, and many bad ones too. I thought that with enough perseverance our marriage would last. There's really only so much a nice lady can take. When my eyes were opened and I realized my danger in staying was more than what I was afraid of facing alone I ended it.
He's a different person today but not with me or our daughters. It's sad. Hopefully his new family will be better. Hopefully he's had enough time to learn his part in where things went wrong with us and not repeat it.
He's not a bad person. We were both emotionally immature when we got married. There were behaviors I could have called him on early in our marriage that would have prevented many of the awfulness that came in our final years together. I was more of a 'get-along girl'.
I think about what I've learned since the divorce. I came up with so many excuses for him. I didn't insist on anything for myself. I wasn't very good at encouraging him. I wasn't emotionally supportive when he expressed a need. When something was bothering me, I didn't tell him. I never set boundaries. There were never consequences for him. I was never mad at him. When I was mad, I was very passive about it.
He was in my life every day, including work, someone I loved, I knew him so well, he called me his best friend and he was mine at one time. Now we don't speak. I am slightly curious because my son is going through a very big change in his life with acquiring a 'new mommy and little sister' and he expresses these things in a positive way. I resist asking too many questions but mostly because I am indifferent to it all.
If I am being truthful with myself, I am relieved. He would not leave me alone for the first year after our divorce. He would either be loving and try to win me back or really hateful. Hmmm...the pattern never seemed to change, evidence that supported my decision to leave.
I did things wrong too. The end began when he found evidence of an emotional affair I was having. He literally lost his mind. It almost made me wished I would have taken it all the way to a physical affair. The last four years I spent doing everything he wanted, I accounted for any time that I was away from him. I felt like it was the least I could do, but no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I really had a change of heart and wanted things to work but just when I thought he was able to get past it, he would get insecure and lose it again as if it had just happened. I never knew what I was going to get. He would be attentive and loving only for me to say something the wrong way. There would be an evening long questioning session that lasted well into the night. His typical start to all this was " what are thinking? are you thinking about him?" I didn't blame him too much at first but four years later, I was exhausted. The girls were four years older too and getting their own dose of crazy from him.
It's better now. I used to feel like I had broken him. So I suppose knowing that he can move forward is a relief. Maybe he's not so broken after all. I am working on gluing myself back together. We are really all just responsible for fixing ourselves. We can ask for help but you cannot count on one person for happiness or wholeness.
If you read any of my recent stories, you know I have been in a relationship since my divorce. It was very special. I thought it was the one. I was wrong and I am heart broken. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting what I deserve. The intelligent part of my brain tells me differently but sometimes I'm not so smart. I do know I won't be any good in another relationship until I'm whole in myself. I want to be able to add to the life of my next love. He better bring his best to me too.
He's not my problem any longer. We barely communicate except for brief text messages about our son. We have two older daughters together as well, he doesn't talk to me about them at all. He's good to our son, but with the girls (women now) he has a troubled relationship. He treats them the same way he was with me when we were married. He's either really good to them and generous or mean spirited for no reason.
He's easily offended and you never know which side of him you will get. When we were married, I used to think I could manage it, until it got out of control. I hate to admit it but when one of the girls would be the ob<x>ject of his hatred, I would be relieved, at first. It would become unbearable. So when smoothing things over stopped working I would just make him mad at me to give them a break.
Not exactly 'mother-of-the-year' material, but you do what you can to get by. It eventually got physical. If you look at him, you would think he couldn't harm anyone. We were the same size and I could probably run faster than him but he had me convinced and fearful. You just sort of take things that you never expected that you would. He was my husband and I wasn't exactly perfect either.
We were married 22 years and I knew him. I loved him. We had many good years together, and many bad ones too. I thought that with enough perseverance our marriage would last. There's really only so much a nice lady can take. When my eyes were opened and I realized my danger in staying was more than what I was afraid of facing alone I ended it.
He's a different person today but not with me or our daughters. It's sad. Hopefully his new family will be better. Hopefully he's had enough time to learn his part in where things went wrong with us and not repeat it.
He's not a bad person. We were both emotionally immature when we got married. There were behaviors I could have called him on early in our marriage that would have prevented many of the awfulness that came in our final years together. I was more of a 'get-along girl'.
I think about what I've learned since the divorce. I came up with so many excuses for him. I didn't insist on anything for myself. I wasn't very good at encouraging him. I wasn't emotionally supportive when he expressed a need. When something was bothering me, I didn't tell him. I never set boundaries. There were never consequences for him. I was never mad at him. When I was mad, I was very passive about it.
He was in my life every day, including work, someone I loved, I knew him so well, he called me his best friend and he was mine at one time. Now we don't speak. I am slightly curious because my son is going through a very big change in his life with acquiring a 'new mommy and little sister' and he expresses these things in a positive way. I resist asking too many questions but mostly because I am indifferent to it all.
If I am being truthful with myself, I am relieved. He would not leave me alone for the first year after our divorce. He would either be loving and try to win me back or really hateful. Hmmm...the pattern never seemed to change, evidence that supported my decision to leave.
I did things wrong too. The end began when he found evidence of an emotional affair I was having. He literally lost his mind. It almost made me wished I would have taken it all the way to a physical affair. The last four years I spent doing everything he wanted, I accounted for any time that I was away from him. I felt like it was the least I could do, but no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I really had a change of heart and wanted things to work but just when I thought he was able to get past it, he would get insecure and lose it again as if it had just happened. I never knew what I was going to get. He would be attentive and loving only for me to say something the wrong way. There would be an evening long questioning session that lasted well into the night. His typical start to all this was " what are thinking? are you thinking about him?" I didn't blame him too much at first but four years later, I was exhausted. The girls were four years older too and getting their own dose of crazy from him.
It's better now. I used to feel like I had broken him. So I suppose knowing that he can move forward is a relief. Maybe he's not so broken after all. I am working on gluing myself back together. We are really all just responsible for fixing ourselves. We can ask for help but you cannot count on one person for happiness or wholeness.
If you read any of my recent stories, you know I have been in a relationship since my divorce. It was very special. I thought it was the one. I was wrong and I am heart broken. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting what I deserve. The intelligent part of my brain tells me differently but sometimes I'm not so smart. I do know I won't be any good in another relationship until I'm whole in myself. I want to be able to add to the life of my next love. He better bring his best to me too.
51-55, F
