I Am Estranged From Family Members
I used to have a diary/journal whenever I'm stuck in a really dark place. I'm currently at my lowest, no support from family, no friends that I can completely talk to...I'm contemplating whether I should start writing again. What stops me is the fact that I know that I'm miserable because everyone in my family have singled me out...that's what hurts the most. I'm not a perfect daughter, I make mistakes. So is my family...they're very dysfunctional and we've been living a lie for too long. This will be long, please bear with me.
My mom is a manipulative, codependent, narcissist who suffers from an undiagnosed full blown anxiety and depression which she will never admit to because she doesn't see anything wrong with herself. I've been abused by her so many times as a child, I got belted, hit by a bamboo stick, forced fed me chilies whenever I lie, locked me inside or outside the house, said hurtful jokes and verbally abused me...you name it all. She denies this and blames me for being a bad child that's why she thinks I deserved it. I even have a memory when I went to school with scars from being hit by a bamboo stick while losing my very first best friend due to her manipulation. Other than that, she's incapable of dealing with her own problems and is so dependent on my dad for everything, to the point that my dad has almost no life for himself anymore. This is the dynamic that she uses on me and my brother too, but I refuse to be part of this setup.
My older brother is the complete carbon copy of my mom. He's irresponsible, immature, self-centered, manipulative and always jokes around. He's the golden child of the family, he's always favored and gets a lot of praises. He has watched me get abused physically, and verbally by my parents and he always turn a blind eye or joins them even. My family and the other people see him as a good-hearted, charming and funny guy that everyone loves...but this is only a cover up, this is what he wants to show everyone, like he's normal and happy all the time. But the truth is he's an empty shell that caters to everyone especially to my family. He uses people to ease his boredom (he has done this to me lots of times), he's done s*** and bad decisions in his life and my family has chosen to ignore those issues and still put him on a pedestal. He lacks real identity because he's set to become my mom, he knows how to please everyone especially her. There's so many times he has slipped up about his insecurities with me but he will never admit to anything that will make him look bad...ever. He joins my parents in verbally abusing me...he and my mom are starters of verbal abuse. He does his best to cut me down whenever I start to become successful at something...and he succeeds everytime.
My dad is almost always absent when things get worse at home. He's good-hearted if he's by himself and being all independent but when he spends time with my mom, he is completely brainwashed by her to resent me. He's quiet and has a very bad temper like me but gets manipulated so easily. We used to be close, I used to be a daddy's girl. Now, he questions my existence: "To whom do I take after? Nobody in the family is like me." He even told every side of the family how strange and different I am and now I'm a weirdo in everyone's eyes. And when something good happens in my life, he just dismisses it and says things that shows his total lack of faith in me. He has turned into a negative person that's so hard to talk to.
Everything have gotten worse when I had a fight with my mom's long time family friend. Since she's my mother's friend for so long and she frequently visits, I thought I could trust her. Unfortunately, because of one incident that I did that made her scared of me, she started telling my mom lies and secrets of the family that I've shared with her. I felt so stupid trusting this wench. Then I just remembered how notorious she was when it comes to gossip and backstabbing people to which I kept quiet about (she talks s*** about my mom behind her back too).
I got so upset I just told her off over messages. I've thrown all swearing and insults I could think of because I was furious at that time. What upsets me was, it came from her mouth that she was never going to tell anyone about our family history and how I felt about it. I asked her to face me if she has issues with me and not backstab people like this, but she never did. What she did was, all those messages that I sent her, she sent them to my mom. My situation have gotten even worse after this. There's no recovery for me. My mother completely took her side...she disregarded how I felt at that time and cared more about me disrespecting this wench. The moment this wench opened her mouth is the moment she disrespected my privacy or the privacy of our family, so who disrespected who? The sad part is, my mom's relationship with the wench was more important to her than her relationship with me, her daughter. Their friendship is made up of using each other for their own gain...she was technically her slave in housekeeping whenever she visits. She was more useful to her than me.
My mom has stopped talking to me and is treating me like I don't exist, my brother's bullying has gotten worst, he doesn't help me at all and is using the situation to make himself look good even more, and my dad sides with my mom and they keep talking behind my back now. I'm now officially being accused of being crazy, depressed and in need of a doctor and they're also looking for a place for me to live. I should've left them and moved out a long time ago, I know...but my head was stuck at trying to save and fix my family that I couldn't bear leaving them like this.
As I've become more mature and have experienced life more, my eyes started to open to the real issues my family chose to ignore. I've tried saving, fixing them and our situation as family, but in the end, that put me in the worst light possible. In their minds, they've decided I'm the black sheep of the family and now I'm alone in everything. All I wanted was my family to put family as priority above all else...like improving our relationship with each other, anything that's less to do with material things and earning money forever and just have a simple life together...not scapegoating or gas lighting me when real issues come up. I'm tired of being a scapegoat and I really am planning to cut my ties with them soon.
I'm sorry if this is so long, I've tried reaching out to people but they've already gotten tired of me. If you've finished reading this, I thank you so much for listening. You just made me feel less alone now.
My mom is a manipulative, codependent, narcissist who suffers from an undiagnosed full blown anxiety and depression which she will never admit to because she doesn't see anything wrong with herself. I've been abused by her so many times as a child, I got belted, hit by a bamboo stick, forced fed me chilies whenever I lie, locked me inside or outside the house, said hurtful jokes and verbally abused me...you name it all. She denies this and blames me for being a bad child that's why she thinks I deserved it. I even have a memory when I went to school with scars from being hit by a bamboo stick while losing my very first best friend due to her manipulation. Other than that, she's incapable of dealing with her own problems and is so dependent on my dad for everything, to the point that my dad has almost no life for himself anymore. This is the dynamic that she uses on me and my brother too, but I refuse to be part of this setup.
My older brother is the complete carbon copy of my mom. He's irresponsible, immature, self-centered, manipulative and always jokes around. He's the golden child of the family, he's always favored and gets a lot of praises. He has watched me get abused physically, and verbally by my parents and he always turn a blind eye or joins them even. My family and the other people see him as a good-hearted, charming and funny guy that everyone loves...but this is only a cover up, this is what he wants to show everyone, like he's normal and happy all the time. But the truth is he's an empty shell that caters to everyone especially to my family. He uses people to ease his boredom (he has done this to me lots of times), he's done s*** and bad decisions in his life and my family has chosen to ignore those issues and still put him on a pedestal. He lacks real identity because he's set to become my mom, he knows how to please everyone especially her. There's so many times he has slipped up about his insecurities with me but he will never admit to anything that will make him look bad...ever. He joins my parents in verbally abusing me...he and my mom are starters of verbal abuse. He does his best to cut me down whenever I start to become successful at something...and he succeeds everytime.
My dad is almost always absent when things get worse at home. He's good-hearted if he's by himself and being all independent but when he spends time with my mom, he is completely brainwashed by her to resent me. He's quiet and has a very bad temper like me but gets manipulated so easily. We used to be close, I used to be a daddy's girl. Now, he questions my existence: "To whom do I take after? Nobody in the family is like me." He even told every side of the family how strange and different I am and now I'm a weirdo in everyone's eyes. And when something good happens in my life, he just dismisses it and says things that shows his total lack of faith in me. He has turned into a negative person that's so hard to talk to.
Everything have gotten worse when I had a fight with my mom's long time family friend. Since she's my mother's friend for so long and she frequently visits, I thought I could trust her. Unfortunately, because of one incident that I did that made her scared of me, she started telling my mom lies and secrets of the family that I've shared with her. I felt so stupid trusting this wench. Then I just remembered how notorious she was when it comes to gossip and backstabbing people to which I kept quiet about (she talks s*** about my mom behind her back too).
I got so upset I just told her off over messages. I've thrown all swearing and insults I could think of because I was furious at that time. What upsets me was, it came from her mouth that she was never going to tell anyone about our family history and how I felt about it. I asked her to face me if she has issues with me and not backstab people like this, but she never did. What she did was, all those messages that I sent her, she sent them to my mom. My situation have gotten even worse after this. There's no recovery for me. My mother completely took her side...she disregarded how I felt at that time and cared more about me disrespecting this wench. The moment this wench opened her mouth is the moment she disrespected my privacy or the privacy of our family, so who disrespected who? The sad part is, my mom's relationship with the wench was more important to her than her relationship with me, her daughter. Their friendship is made up of using each other for their own gain...she was technically her slave in housekeeping whenever she visits. She was more useful to her than me.
My mom has stopped talking to me and is treating me like I don't exist, my brother's bullying has gotten worst, he doesn't help me at all and is using the situation to make himself look good even more, and my dad sides with my mom and they keep talking behind my back now. I'm now officially being accused of being crazy, depressed and in need of a doctor and they're also looking for a place for me to live. I should've left them and moved out a long time ago, I know...but my head was stuck at trying to save and fix my family that I couldn't bear leaving them like this.
As I've become more mature and have experienced life more, my eyes started to open to the real issues my family chose to ignore. I've tried saving, fixing them and our situation as family, but in the end, that put me in the worst light possible. In their minds, they've decided I'm the black sheep of the family and now I'm alone in everything. All I wanted was my family to put family as priority above all else...like improving our relationship with each other, anything that's less to do with material things and earning money forever and just have a simple life together...not scapegoating or gas lighting me when real issues come up. I'm tired of being a scapegoat and I really am planning to cut my ties with them soon.
I'm sorry if this is so long, I've tried reaching out to people but they've already gotten tired of me. If you've finished reading this, I thank you so much for listening. You just made me feel less alone now.
36-40, F
