I Can Forgive, But Not Forget
He condemned me, hurt me, and hurt me again, and again. He thought I was sinning against him by fantasyzing about him, when I was struggling with bad dreams that I didn't want to have. I was on his side, I didn't want to have those dreams just as much as he didn't want me dreaming about him. It was an attack from Satan himself. He was critical of me because of the movie God showed him of us was romantic, and he casted stones and condemned me and I fell. Possessed with an impure spirit. I was so traumatized by the attack, and all he could do was insult me and hurt me more and more. But I didn't want to lose him, I was hoping that we could get through this together, to make it to the other side, for my schizophrenia to go into remission in time and for him to still be there through it all. Even though it would be a nasty fight. I couldn't bare to lose him, nor for Satan to steal him from me like all the others in the past. So I wrote out all of the scriptures on the world from the bible and gave it to him and asked him if I still had a family doctor, and with a grin on his face he said yes....Such a beautiful smile.....But it wouldn't be easy, he thought I was sinning against him, when really I was possessed, which was actually worse, much worse, maybe he was afraid of me, I just didn't want him to become possessed nor fall, nor be afraid of me and run away. Instead he would hurt me time and time again trying to get me to give up on him and walk away, when I would have never walked away from him for I was bound and determined to overcome all of this no matter how much it hurt.
He even turned on my youngest child, who was 6 at the time asking him if he smoked cigarettes when he was extremely sick with a virus and it had nothing to do with cigarettes and the answer was no my 6 year old never smoked a cigarette in his life. He was just being an twirp just to get to me, a little jab at my heart, where it would hurt the most, trying to make me walk away from him, but I asked him once again, do I still have a family doctor, and with a mocking sarcastic voice he said yes Chantal I am still your doctor. I wanted to say then could you at least try to be more respectful towards us? But no, he was only going to get worse in the future, much worse, like that's all he ever did was disrespect me. It was hopeless, I was crippled and he was blind......Then they brought in the paranoid schizophrenic false prophet who calls herself a psychic to drag my good name through the mud with her half truths and lies.....That's when he finally gave up, and hurt me so bad that it took me 4 years to recover and finally forgive him and wash away the pain.
Now when I look back I still don't know what to think of him, he is long gone, and I have finally forgiven him but I can't forget all that he has done to me, I don't know whether to love him or hate him, to face him and tell him the damages he's done, or to just let it go and forget about it with no resolution. Let it go without a word about it, or to talk to him about it diplomatically so that I can find peace and healing. With the possibility that he won't tell me the truth, or he just doesn't want to talk about it leaving me more wounded and scared in the end.
Truth is I miss his face, and I miss what I hoped we could be, but I hate his abuse, and don't trust what he really is. Plus in the end Satan made me sin so bad that there is no hope for recovery, the damage is done, everyone hates me, there is no hope for reconciliation, There is no hope. So I'm best to just leave it alone, and avoid ever crossing paths with him in the future, where I can truly heal and forget about it.
He even turned on my youngest child, who was 6 at the time asking him if he smoked cigarettes when he was extremely sick with a virus and it had nothing to do with cigarettes and the answer was no my 6 year old never smoked a cigarette in his life. He was just being an twirp just to get to me, a little jab at my heart, where it would hurt the most, trying to make me walk away from him, but I asked him once again, do I still have a family doctor, and with a mocking sarcastic voice he said yes Chantal I am still your doctor. I wanted to say then could you at least try to be more respectful towards us? But no, he was only going to get worse in the future, much worse, like that's all he ever did was disrespect me. It was hopeless, I was crippled and he was blind......Then they brought in the paranoid schizophrenic false prophet who calls herself a psychic to drag my good name through the mud with her half truths and lies.....That's when he finally gave up, and hurt me so bad that it took me 4 years to recover and finally forgive him and wash away the pain.
Now when I look back I still don't know what to think of him, he is long gone, and I have finally forgiven him but I can't forget all that he has done to me, I don't know whether to love him or hate him, to face him and tell him the damages he's done, or to just let it go and forget about it with no resolution. Let it go without a word about it, or to talk to him about it diplomatically so that I can find peace and healing. With the possibility that he won't tell me the truth, or he just doesn't want to talk about it leaving me more wounded and scared in the end.
Truth is I miss his face, and I miss what I hoped we could be, but I hate his abuse, and don't trust what he really is. Plus in the end Satan made me sin so bad that there is no hope for recovery, the damage is done, everyone hates me, there is no hope for reconciliation, There is no hope. So I'm best to just leave it alone, and avoid ever crossing paths with him in the future, where I can truly heal and forget about it.
