I Am Not Sure If I Want Kids

When I was younger I was so certain having a child was a foolish idea. I didn't want to be responsible for another human, knowing that I have the capability to mess its whole life up. Mental illness runs in my family, I didn't want to pass that on. Also, kids annoyed me. A lot.

Now...I'm not sure. I had never actually been around kids before. Back then, my only exposure to children was if there was a kid in public crying or something. If a child is well behaved in public, they go unnoticed. If they are misbehaving, jesus christ that's annoying.

I work with kids every day now. I see them on their good days and on their bad days. I still think they're great, even if they throw tantrums and have meltdowns. I want to protect them. I want to make sure I'm being the best I can for them, even if my influence in their lives is small. I think they're so much fun. There's so much good in them.

I find myself wanting to have a kid more and more every day. Today I met a woman a little younger than me. She mentioned she has a son. My first thought was "Gosh, you're so lucky."

I have no idea how I feel about babies. I've never been around them for more than a short period of time. I've never changed a diaper. What if I can't change my kid's diapers? What if I gag every time? I hate gross stuff.

What if they have a mental or physical disability? I don't think I am equipped to handle that.

How would I ever even afford a child?

There's just... too many things that could go wrong. I want a kid, but it seems like such an impractical idea.