This is not new feeling, yet today I am reminded of it. I cannot help but feel that perhaps if I had gone about things differently it would not be that way.
What frustrates me is the constant need for 'human maintenance', that I should consider those in my life and their feelings whenever I decide to take anything for myself. I understand that I am fortunate in what I have, and I understand that I can not just abandon it. I have always played this game of life cautiously.
But the cost is always the same: time. And it is what I wish I had more of. Perhaps it is some weird amalgamation of my own anxieties and past experiences that have made me this way.
What scares me is that this may harm what I have with you, it is something that I cannot ever lose. I can never let it harm what we have, it is far too precious.
And in all things, I will find my way. I will find a space where I can be what I want to be. To be with you, and have nothing stand in thw way or restrain it further. I will find a way where we both have found a place that is truly home.
This feeling too shall pass, I am sure. But first I think I still have more work to do. I am sorry if I am not all that I could be - but I will never stop trying to reach for it
