I Was Thinking Today And Had To Write It Down
Messy, sort of
There are parts of me that really have it all together. I function, pretty good all things considered. I have great purpose. I am the most fit physically that I've been in years. Work is progressing well. I'm training my new co-workers and I take very good care of the sick little kids in my charge. I'm always learning something new. I'm close to my parents. My kids are grown up and so much fun. I'm connected to my church family and feel fulfilled in a way I have never been in a church setting ever. I know God has a plan for me and almost hourly I have to regroup and remind myself that He knows better than I.
I can't however seem to shake this disappointment. I am grieving and heartbroken. It has skewed all of my feelings. My poor mother and the rest of my family are grieving the loss of my aunt. I see tragedies daily in my work. There are so many hurting people around me. I feel for them as it's appropriate. My own loss should make me sensitive to others around me and it should be helpful. I force myself to be there for these friends, family, acquaintances, patients and their loved ones. I do what I am supposed to do but when I am alone the only thing I can think about is my own sadness. I feel selfish but I can't help it. I keep it to myself but in my quiet moments I am hit with a fresh wave of sadness for myself. In these moments I let it flow, alone. Then I pray that my heart will be changed. I say "I trust in You Lord. And, for the parts of that sentence that I don't mean, I trust Him with that too.
I am attempting to be content in my circumstances. Life is so short. I may not the luxury of parents that live down the street and kids who are healthy and happy. I have so many things going for me at the moment, I should be full of joy. I am selfish and all I can think about is how I force myself to do things that I really don't want to do but that I am counting on to get me through.
The affair was doomed from the start and I knew it. You can't legitimize something that is not right morally. I acted trashy and that is what happens no matter how much you try to clean up the crumpled paper you threw away.
It doesn't change the fact that I feel very alone. I wanted to change my life and have a great adventure with a man that I love more than I've every loved anyone. I wanted to leave everything here to have a life with him. I should be ashamed that I wanted to leave all of these things that I clinging to now to help me survive. I don't feel shame I am just sad. I used to be such a happy positive person.
It was wonderful while it lasted. I wouldn't change anything. I have hope. It happened for me once and it will happen again. I wished it hadn't ended. I wish I could just see him once more. One more time. It had to end eventually. I guess.
There are parts of me that really have it all together. I function, pretty good all things considered. I have great purpose. I am the most fit physically that I've been in years. Work is progressing well. I'm training my new co-workers and I take very good care of the sick little kids in my charge. I'm always learning something new. I'm close to my parents. My kids are grown up and so much fun. I'm connected to my church family and feel fulfilled in a way I have never been in a church setting ever. I know God has a plan for me and almost hourly I have to regroup and remind myself that He knows better than I.
I can't however seem to shake this disappointment. I am grieving and heartbroken. It has skewed all of my feelings. My poor mother and the rest of my family are grieving the loss of my aunt. I see tragedies daily in my work. There are so many hurting people around me. I feel for them as it's appropriate. My own loss should make me sensitive to others around me and it should be helpful. I force myself to be there for these friends, family, acquaintances, patients and their loved ones. I do what I am supposed to do but when I am alone the only thing I can think about is my own sadness. I feel selfish but I can't help it. I keep it to myself but in my quiet moments I am hit with a fresh wave of sadness for myself. In these moments I let it flow, alone. Then I pray that my heart will be changed. I say "I trust in You Lord. And, for the parts of that sentence that I don't mean, I trust Him with that too.
I am attempting to be content in my circumstances. Life is so short. I may not the luxury of parents that live down the street and kids who are healthy and happy. I have so many things going for me at the moment, I should be full of joy. I am selfish and all I can think about is how I force myself to do things that I really don't want to do but that I am counting on to get me through.
The affair was doomed from the start and I knew it. You can't legitimize something that is not right morally. I acted trashy and that is what happens no matter how much you try to clean up the crumpled paper you threw away.
It doesn't change the fact that I feel very alone. I wanted to change my life and have a great adventure with a man that I love more than I've every loved anyone. I wanted to leave everything here to have a life with him. I should be ashamed that I wanted to leave all of these things that I clinging to now to help me survive. I don't feel shame I am just sad. I used to be such a happy positive person.
It was wonderful while it lasted. I wouldn't change anything. I have hope. It happened for me once and it will happen again. I wished it hadn't ended. I wish I could just see him once more. One more time. It had to end eventually. I guess.
51-55, F
