I Miss My Ex

It's not like posting this is going to change anything. I'm sure I will feel the same tomorrow. It's been almost twelve years since we were together. We started dating when we were young. Of course he was my first for everything. He was a little older than me. When I turned sixteen my parents had split up and everything was turned upside down in my life. With my parents busy working and trying to figure out everything I realized pretty quickly that I had a lot more freedom than I was used to. It felt like things had changed with my boyfriend but it took me awhile to realize that it was just my life that was changing. It had always been a little awkward for me to hang out with my friends because I was accustomed to hanging out with a older group because he was a few years older than I was. So with the new sense of freedom, I used it to hang out with my own age group. I remember how it fit me better and how much more relaxed I could be. I felt like I needed that. Which is why we broke up. Many years from then to now. We have both moved on. I have tried to forget him. But in truth, I have just been going with the flow of life. I have done what I have had to do. I got pregnant shortly after my ex and I broke up. I had my son and I have loved him more than I could ever explain. Before, my ex had told me that he never wanted to have children so I tried to make it work with my son's father. We have been together since, so I guess I have done more than try. Honestly I love my son's father but as much as I have tried it's just not the same. For a long time my ex did not move on. He unfortunately did nothing but party. He told me it was the only way he could live without me. I wanted to run back to him so many times but how could I. He wasn't fit to be around my son. I'm not entirely unhappy and my son deserves to have both his parents put him first. Which is what I have been doing. The truth is my son's father has never been there for me. For the love I have for my son I have held on. But a few months ago my daddy passed away and since then I can't make myself be okay. Of course my son's father wasn't there for me. Not even a little bit. All I had was God and my kids. It's nothing new for me but I have reached the end. My ex has since then cleaned himself up. I have wanted nothing but to run back to my ex. Because he was my safe place before. About a month ago I learned that two years ago my ex moved on. It's an impossible situation and it sounds very hillbilly but he is now with my older cousin on my mother's side (a lot older than me and him). So even if we both wanted to, it's done got a little too crazy for any thought of getting back together. I'm already hurting from losing my dad and there is no comparison. On top of the pain my heart aches for what I now can not have. I even feel bad for wanting him back. I want to be angry at him. I've talked to a few of his friends and they told me that they think he got with her to get back at me. Obviously, I want to, but just imagine the family reunion. Yeah. No. Now, he drives by really slow when I'm out in my yard. I know that's his way of checking on me. And as bad as I want to run to his truck like I used to it's just not possible anymore. I should have gotten over him a long time ago. I guess no time is better than now. Good riddance SSP.