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I Am Selfish

I just don’t have it in me.

Last night... or this morning I should say; 1am, I lay in bed with a whirling dervish of a mind & somersaulting stomach, & I repeated the following to myself over & over until I fell asleep:

“I am okay. Everything is all right.”

Bloody helped too. Every time a frantic thought surfaced I countered it with a slightly better one. Didn’t go too far, just a slightly better idea so my mind would believe me. Lol! & it worked well.

Today is the funeral, if you could call it that. My grandfather died the night before last, leaving strict instructions on how this was to go. No ceremony, no clergy, no shindig, as soon as possible, minimal people.

& it’s the people I’m worried about.

We have my mother who isn’t very well mentally, to say the least. Very recent behaviour has pointed towards her making today a billion times worse than it needs to be.

My grandmother’s best frienemy who has enjoyed being an absolute bitch without impunity since long before I was born.

& my grandmother who like my mother is insane.

& no Grampa Harry there to say the immortal words “That’s enough” when there’s a hint of things going downhill.

& I am selfish because honestly he could’ve picked a better time to die... terrible thing to say isn’t it? Because I’m stressed to the max already, & I don’t have the energy to deal with how today is likely to go...

I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
I am okay. Everything is all right.
Kindheartedguy · 46-50, M
A couple of things.

You lost a loved one. You get a pass to fly off the rails however you want.

If gramps would say “that’s enough,” say it in honor of him with no regrets and with the additional strength of his spirit with you. Gramps knew they should act like adults and you should feel free to enforce it.

I had to bury both my parents on the same day. They died a year apart but they chose to be cremated. I squeaked through my reading because I couldn’t stop the tears.

When lunch came and the priest kept asking if “anybody else had anything to say” (he wanted me to come up), I couldn’t get myself off the chair. I still think about it. I don’t know what held me back. I was embarrassed but in the grand scheme of things, I buried two parents that day. I get a fucking pass.

You lost someone important. I’m sorry. Do your best to honor them and grieve any damn way you want.
[@337992,Kindheartedguy] thank you so much 🤗
Hugs 🤗

You be the one to say That's Enough. Today is about honouring a man's life. You are okay, everything is all right.... and if it is not, it will be 🤗
[@406205,Babylon] my stepfather & I ran defence. It was okay.
Lee124 · F
Sorry to hear about your loss and no, I wouldn't say you're selfish, but overwhelmed by the situation you're finding yourself in. Hope all works out well at the funeral. Hugs
[@1021619,Lee124] thank you. It went much better than expected.
rottenrobi · 51-55, F
I'm terribly sorry. I had a grandfather like that as well. You're definitely okay, and you'll get through the day.
Don't worry about anyone else.
[@10399,rottenrobi] I could sleep.
SwampFlower · 26-30, F
It is alright to feel overwhelmed. You have my sympathies. 🤗🤗🤗
[@871066,SwampFlower] thank you.
SW User
You are OK and everything is all right.

It is one day, a hard day but you only have to make it through today.

You are OK and everything is all right.
[@14688,Nunos50] I’m just exhausted
SW User
[@453451,SevenTierCrazyCake] not long to go then this day is done.
Worry about tomorrow when you get there
[@14688,Nunos50] 🤗
Moonpenny · F
Keep repeating your mantra in your head.
🤗 you can do it!
[@227793,Titianmoon] I had a wee nap. Then my friend phoned. I feel no better. Not going out tonight. Early night for moi.
Moonpenny · F
Good choice, Doll 👍🏻

Slumber well 💜
[@227793,Titianmoon] I dare say I will. 🤗
ArtieKat · 61-69, M
You'll be fine! The fact that you're thinking so clearly and rationally shows you'll cope - and maybe the memory of "Grampa Harry" the peacemaker will rub off on you xxxx
[@9450,ArtieKat] I’m gonna screenshot this so I can prove to people that something thinks I’m rational. Lol!
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
I wish for you soothing vibes.
[@68716,JoyfulSilence] thank you 🤗
Montanaman · M
Sorry for your loss 😔🤗🙏
[@701855,Montanaman] 🤗
CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M
Love you x
[@337880,ChasingBrainBros] ditto, you wonderful man you. x

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