I Don't Think You Realise How Much I Hurt
a long trip abroad, anger, misery for me, deliberate hatred and a u-turn.
where to begin. my girlfriend said she was going to south Africa for a bit back in October 2012. like a year or two. Come with our stay home. ultimatum stylee.
I was unhappy with my relationship with my boss and his bosses, mainly over micro controlling emails and salary.
I left and went with.
She seemed angry with me all the time, everything I wanted to do was wrong. I had no choice but to volunteer full time for visa reasons which she accepted was her doing and was supposed to be fine with that.
turns out it was more than she could chew. Her dad was extremely money focused because he got lucky working for Barclaycard. Her mum worked much harder for the council for much less cash and he jetted w at her.
so I didn't blame my then fiance, I proposed before the trip. But it hurt me deeply.
I'd hurt her before then, I wound up kissing someone in bed one summer at a party. my girl had neglected me so badly her entire last uni summer she didn't even want to spend one day with me. I felt neglected, this girl needed a boost and I desperately wanted to kiss a girl who "knew how to kiss". That was a horrible experience when I realised that none knows how to kiss, it's all about how you feel about the person you're kissing.
so. She was still mad at me after a few months because I deb Mr a message to a mutual friends saying she wasn't keen to meet up with them but I was. She had said nothing but slander to me about those friends, so I thought little of it. turns out I crossed an aspergers type line. Those friends did things she usually doesn't forgive but they were sick good friends she couldn't cut them out. She loves them. ouch.
Now I've been back a while in the UK while she's worked out there. She made little effort to communicate. No Internet, electricity or water made it harder but there are ways.
She saw me at the airport. I saw her. We were happy. That, I thought, was the defining moment. That we are ok.
But then I learn that she deliberately chose to hate me over the text thing. And she has made a complete u turn over the money situation. I had psyched myself up to get a real job back in the UK to help with our financial situation. She wants me to go back even volunteering.
She caresses me like never before. Her touch is now sensitive. She notices when I have something to say and mentions it, giving me a real chance to talk. She is everything I have ever wanted right now. But that is so different from the person I left in South Africa, I am struggling to accept it and move forward with her. I'd love to go back, to have another chance out there. To do things together without being shouted at or despised.
It's just now all that hurt is a hard pill to swallow. feels like a large cylinder hovering at the opening of my mouth with my head held back, but it just won't go in.
Help me out here ep, tell me your stories and relate to me. Please. xx
where to begin. my girlfriend said she was going to south Africa for a bit back in October 2012. like a year or two. Come with our stay home. ultimatum stylee.
I was unhappy with my relationship with my boss and his bosses, mainly over micro controlling emails and salary.
I left and went with.
She seemed angry with me all the time, everything I wanted to do was wrong. I had no choice but to volunteer full time for visa reasons which she accepted was her doing and was supposed to be fine with that.
turns out it was more than she could chew. Her dad was extremely money focused because he got lucky working for Barclaycard. Her mum worked much harder for the council for much less cash and he jetted w at her.
so I didn't blame my then fiance, I proposed before the trip. But it hurt me deeply.
I'd hurt her before then, I wound up kissing someone in bed one summer at a party. my girl had neglected me so badly her entire last uni summer she didn't even want to spend one day with me. I felt neglected, this girl needed a boost and I desperately wanted to kiss a girl who "knew how to kiss". That was a horrible experience when I realised that none knows how to kiss, it's all about how you feel about the person you're kissing.
so. She was still mad at me after a few months because I deb Mr a message to a mutual friends saying she wasn't keen to meet up with them but I was. She had said nothing but slander to me about those friends, so I thought little of it. turns out I crossed an aspergers type line. Those friends did things she usually doesn't forgive but they were sick good friends she couldn't cut them out. She loves them. ouch.
Now I've been back a while in the UK while she's worked out there. She made little effort to communicate. No Internet, electricity or water made it harder but there are ways.
She saw me at the airport. I saw her. We were happy. That, I thought, was the defining moment. That we are ok.
But then I learn that she deliberately chose to hate me over the text thing. And she has made a complete u turn over the money situation. I had psyched myself up to get a real job back in the UK to help with our financial situation. She wants me to go back even volunteering.
She caresses me like never before. Her touch is now sensitive. She notices when I have something to say and mentions it, giving me a real chance to talk. She is everything I have ever wanted right now. But that is so different from the person I left in South Africa, I am struggling to accept it and move forward with her. I'd love to go back, to have another chance out there. To do things together without being shouted at or despised.
It's just now all that hurt is a hard pill to swallow. feels like a large cylinder hovering at the opening of my mouth with my head held back, but it just won't go in.
Help me out here ep, tell me your stories and relate to me. Please. xx
36-40, M
