I Am Afraid Of Never Being Truly Loved
I've called out 4 days in a row now. It's like this flu thing has gone viral or something. I feel like I don't sleep anymore. School starts again today (ugggh) and with me being so unbearably sick, all that's left for me to do is "think". It's been playing in my mind, "our" conversations. I'm a little surprised he hasn't reached out after he was caught, but I also know how desperate he is to have someone who will stay. Sometimes I think it's better this way. Sometimes, like now, it's just hard. I normally do a good job keeping myself occupied. I have school, work, stuff to do around the house always. But him being around kept me not lonely. And man, DO I MISS THOSE CONVERSATIONS! I replay them in my head all the time. No man has ever made me sooo creative and wild and willing. We were playing each other, but at the same time, we were exploring fantasies that we couldn't do so with our current partners.
The other day I was watching a documentary about polygamy. I admired the relationships that I saw these people had. I've never been faithful. I always wanted more. When he was in my life, I got what I needed because I had both of them. I wonder what kind of life I'm supposed to have. What I have today isn't working.
Today I started job searching. I'm questioning if I could handle another job or find a better one all while going to school. I need to somehow take care of myself independently, without him in it. I thought about getting a roommate, but I couldn't handle living with another girl. I think I would need to have a guy who is a good friend as a roommate.
I keep playing in my head how my life would be if I wasn't married anymore. I keep coming back that that is the answer. I played with the thought of just talking to him. Working it out. But I give him too much credit. He's dim. Slow. He doesn't have the mental capacity to see how to get from point A to point B. I thought it was a guy thing. But I'm discrediting many men who DO have the ability to allow it to "click". There's a serious disconnect with him. Even when you tell him the answers, write it down for him, show him how to do it, he'll forget in a matter of 15 minutes. It's like the seriousness of it isn't even a priority. It's nothing I've ever witnessed or experienced before. So it puts me in a serious rut.
I wish I could figure this out. I wish I could close my eyes, see stepping stones in front of me with numbers on them, and no matter the distance or obstacle, step on them in numerical order, just so I can get to where I need to go.
I wish I was done with school. I wish I could concentrate on my own business, make enough money for myself so I can live independently. I wish things that you you wanted in life were a sure thing, and all you had to do was be patient enough until you got there. I am a true believer that you have to make things happen for yourself, but BOY, I wish there were guarantees in life.
I'm not one to say I have regrets, but I surely do! I don't regret getting married so young, but I do regret getting married to the wrong guy. He is nothing I wanted when I met him, nothing I loved, nothing I needed. It's sort of like driving without no sense of where you are going, making twists and turns, guessing and hoping it was the best judgment, only finding out that every turn you made was not the best one and it is only making you more lost (the days before GPS existed). That's how I feel right now. Making wrong turns. Being sooo far in that you can't even back track anymore. So I figured maybe I shouldn't go back. Maybe I should be going forward. I need that better job like yesterday!!!
The other day I was watching a documentary about polygamy. I admired the relationships that I saw these people had. I've never been faithful. I always wanted more. When he was in my life, I got what I needed because I had both of them. I wonder what kind of life I'm supposed to have. What I have today isn't working.
Today I started job searching. I'm questioning if I could handle another job or find a better one all while going to school. I need to somehow take care of myself independently, without him in it. I thought about getting a roommate, but I couldn't handle living with another girl. I think I would need to have a guy who is a good friend as a roommate.
I keep playing in my head how my life would be if I wasn't married anymore. I keep coming back that that is the answer. I played with the thought of just talking to him. Working it out. But I give him too much credit. He's dim. Slow. He doesn't have the mental capacity to see how to get from point A to point B. I thought it was a guy thing. But I'm discrediting many men who DO have the ability to allow it to "click". There's a serious disconnect with him. Even when you tell him the answers, write it down for him, show him how to do it, he'll forget in a matter of 15 minutes. It's like the seriousness of it isn't even a priority. It's nothing I've ever witnessed or experienced before. So it puts me in a serious rut.
I wish I could figure this out. I wish I could close my eyes, see stepping stones in front of me with numbers on them, and no matter the distance or obstacle, step on them in numerical order, just so I can get to where I need to go.
I wish I was done with school. I wish I could concentrate on my own business, make enough money for myself so I can live independently. I wish things that you you wanted in life were a sure thing, and all you had to do was be patient enough until you got there. I am a true believer that you have to make things happen for yourself, but BOY, I wish there were guarantees in life.
I'm not one to say I have regrets, but I surely do! I don't regret getting married so young, but I do regret getting married to the wrong guy. He is nothing I wanted when I met him, nothing I loved, nothing I needed. It's sort of like driving without no sense of where you are going, making twists and turns, guessing and hoping it was the best judgment, only finding out that every turn you made was not the best one and it is only making you more lost (the days before GPS existed). That's how I feel right now. Making wrong turns. Being sooo far in that you can't even back track anymore. So I figured maybe I shouldn't go back. Maybe I should be going forward. I need that better job like yesterday!!!
